Try, try again

New Year, New Baby, New Blog

2012-01-14T16:39:00.000+11:00

That's right, I've decided to go ahead and start fresh. I'll keep this blog open for now as I'm just not quite ready to walk away from it, and of course I'll continue following the friends I've made here (though it may take some time to catch up on my reader - 600+ posts unread - argh!). That said, I understand that some of you might not feel up to following my new blog as it will be full of gushing about our beautiful living daughter and I do know how painful that can be to read when coping with baby-loss and/or infertility. I will miss you, but I understand.

It is likely to be a slow start with this new one while we try to get life as a threesome sorted out, but I wanted to share the link now and hopefully see some of you over at my new space.

So, here it is - not much to look at now but hopefully it will be soon: http://liferesumed.wordpress.com/

Introducing...

2011-12-12T14:14:00.000+11:00

Kira May, 1 day old

I'm a bit late on the announcement but our beautiful daughter Kira May was born early on the 3rd of December. We spent a week in hospital due to feeding and jaundice issues but are home now and so very thrilled and amazed to have her. I will get back to writing details of the birth but for now I'm busy cuddling my beautiful child.

36 Weeks (19 days to go!)

2011-11-24T16:21:00.000+11:00

In 19 days or less we'll have this baby out of me. I think we're mostly prepared stuff-wise too, which is good. We got a 2nd hand change table last weekend for $20 which was a good deal - even if it does have a few dings in it. We also went into Ikea to grab a bookshelf and some storage boxes & baskety things for baby stuff. I ordered some baby legwarmers on ebay that should be here sometime soon and we got a big box of hand-me-downs from some relatives in the US today - hurrah! I'm waiting on two nursing bras that I bought on ebay usa to arrive from my mom (why do so many USA sellers not do international shipping? It's really not hard!) and most exciting of all - we ordered new phones! Yep, that's right, we're finally joining the amazing world of smartphones! All of this has left our bank account rather impoverished but what's money for if not for buying a few fun & frivolous things hey?

How Far Along: 36 weeks

Weight Gain: Whoa! Today I'm 9kg up from pre-pregnancy (12kg up from pre-IVF) which means I stacked on 2kg in the two weeks I didn't weigh myself. Maybe time to lay off the cookies and milk shakes...

Symptoms: Pelvic pain, emotional, tired, and sore all over if I do very much cleaning/walking/standing/anything. Oh, also a gross one to share - lots of blobby white cervical mucus. I am a slime factory. I've read that it's normal toward the end of pregnancy but it's still pretty gross. My BHs have stepped up a bit too - still not terribly painful but more frequent and more un-comfortable for sure.

Movement: Still plenty of ouch moments as she tries to stretch out in there. Last night I freaked out because I think I could actually feel her practice breathing, but it was really strong and I was worried she was panting in distress or something. T tried to convince me that a foetus wouldn't pant because panting is a creatures way of trying to get in more oxygen, which she isn't needing to do yet. But my argument was that breathing is our means of getting oxygen and foetuses do practice breathing even though they don't really need to so why not panting as well. We went back and forth for a while on this until I was really upset so he called the hospital. Midwife agreed with him but said if I was too worried I could come in for a quick check. The whole time the breathing thing was happening I was still feeling plenty of movement though so I declined. Has anyone else felt their unborn baby breathing? It was definitely not hiccups and not my own pulse and nowhere near the placenta. It had to be her breathing.

Sleep: Still crap.

Best Moment of the Week: Finished my exam on Monday - woohoo! No more uni for at least a year!

What I Miss: Nothing really comes to mind this week.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Meeting our beautiful little baby!

Upcoming Appointments: This weekend we're booked in to a breastfeeding course put on by the Australian Breastfeeding Association that was gifted to us by a lovely friend. On Tuesday we go in to see Dr. F again and to get one last scan. I would really love to get a nice face shot of this little bub while she's inside but we're so close to having her on the outside I won't be too sad if we don't get one. Plus I realise the chances of getting a good image are pretty small as she should be rather squashed in there by now.

35 Weeks (& 2 days) 25 days & counting!

2011-11-19T12:44:00.000+11:00

In 25 days or less I will no longer be harbouring a kicky-little human parasite. 25 days is not much time!

We've been booked in to hospital for the 13th Because Dr. F is booked for surgeries all day on the 14th and 15th. When we saw him this week and he went over our file again he said it was actually probably for the best that we get this baby out a little bit early just because of the risks to her with my auto-immune and blood-clotting issues. Of course I'm still hoping she might make her way out on her own before that. Not heaps before that, but if she comes on her own then we know she's fully baked and ready, right? In theory anyway. I think it would be good if I could have this one last week after my exam on Monday to clean and do some freezer-meal cooking and I'd like to get in to see the hairdresser one last time before she arrives too so I might book that for next week. But, 25 days more and we'll have a baby on the outside! We're keeping it secret from all but my bloggy friends though so we don't have lots of people calling & texting & waiting for updates on the day. I just want to relax (as much as one can when having a baby) and focus on us rather than dealing with anyone else. So, to the few (three?) of you readers who know us in real life - shhhh! Don't tell! It's nice to have this little secret too. It's fun to think that all our friends and family will be going about their lives as normal and we're planning to introduce a new human to the world.

When we saw Dr. F last week he also decided to put me back on Clexane. So, that was just two blissful nights without having to inject myself with that dreadful stuff. I can't really say I understand why - and not even really sure that he knows why. He said he must have said I could stop it because I pressured him to do so but that is not the case. Anyway, we're back to it and will stay on it until he says differently (again). He also suggested we get an Epi-No (balloon-like contraption inserted vaginally and used to stretch out the perineum before birth to avoid tears). Anyone have any experience with one? I'm not sure that I'll bother. Whilst I really don't like the idea of any of my bits tearing - particularly down there - I can't help thinking our bodies are actually designed for this and I should be able to pop out a baby like most people. The midwifes at the antenatal classes suggested massaging/stretching manually from around 35 weeks so I suppose I could give that a try. Although, to be honest I'm not sure about the logistics of getting hands in appropriate position when I'm lying on my back with a giant belly in the way!

Speaking of classes - the parenting class last Saturday was crap. Big fat (expensive) waste of time. It was a different midwife this week and she spent the first half of the day going over stuff the other lady had already been over. I was looking forward to practicing dressing, bathing, changing and wrapping newborn sized dolls and learning about proper holding techniques and other such things. Silly me. She spent about 10 minute talking about bathing and how it was just a matter of splashing water on the baby and then gave us maybe 5 minutes with the dolls to undress them, taking off and putting on a disposable nappy and then wrapping them. One of the girls asked her if cloth nappies weren't a better option and she went off on a tirade about how cloth & disposable are exactly the same in terms of cost & environmental impact when one considers water and detergent for washing. T let out a big snort and when she asked him what he was on about he told her that was absolute crap! Love that man! We'd brought a prefold & cover, a small all-in-one and a one-sized nappy to play with as that's what we'd be using at home. The midwife went on about terry flats and what a pain folding & pinning & soaking were and when we tried to show her what modern cloth was all about she wouldn't hear it. God forbid any of the other couples were genuinely interested in using cloth as she's no doubt scared them off for live. Stupid ignorant cow. So yeah, didn't like her or the course much at all. Wish we'd saved our $200 for something more useful.

Got some raspberry leaf tea in capsule form as I can't see taking the time to have a cup of tea three or four times a day. I'm still not entirely sure how it's supposed to work but I figure it can't hurt at this point. I'd like to read more about how exactly it's supposed to tone my uterus - may find some time this week to try researching. Hopefully there are some peer-reviewed studies out there to read up on and not just lots of unscientific new-agey sort of stuff lol!

Guess that's about it. We're going to look at some change tables this weekend and some book shelves for the spare/baby room as I've completely run out of room to put stuff. Slowly but surely we're getting ready - at least physically.

How Far Along: 35 weeks (& 2 day)

Weight Gain: I don't want to weigh myself right now because I've been stuffing my face with Arnott's venetian biscuits (yum!) but when I saw Dr. F on Tuesday I was down half a kg from when I'd been weighed there last (a few weeks) so I'm going to guess not much change from last week. I find that if I eat lunch I'm not hungry for dinner so that probably has to do with my slowed weight-gain.

Symptoms: My pelvic pain is still hanging around. It's been pretty bad these last few days and I actually un-invited some friends for dinner because I couldn't face the idea of having to push the vacuum around the house and scrub toilets and the BBQ with this pain. I'm pretty good once I'm standing or sitting but moving between those stages is difficult, and getting my legs up into bed at night is really painful. I'm getting fairly frequent aches & pains down low in the vaginal area - cervical pain maybe from baby pressure? Not sure but it's not killing me, just uncomfortable. And the braxton hicks contractions are stepping up a bit too. Oh, I'm also a ridiculous hormonal mess. I burst into tears at EVERYthing these days.

Movement: Ow-fuckity-ow-ow! She moves all the time and it pretty much always hurts. This baby is all elbows & knees as far as I can tell, and I'm not entirely convinced that she's not a giant spider (lots of legs). But I'm quite happy for her to keep abusing me until she's ready to come out - doesn't mean I'm not going to complain about it though!

Sleep: I got up to pee SIX times last night! So not getting any great deal of sleep these days. We are also still not sure what the sleeping arrangement will be when this little one arrives - originally we'd planned to co-sleep using a Safe and Secure sleeper but T is a little bit paranoid about that. We have the sleeper so we had a practice run with it this week to see how we'd go and it was a little squeezy - I was definitely aware it was there all night, but that's a good thing right? No rolling over onto it or pillows or blankets ending up on it so I'm quite happy with it, but we'll see.

Best Moment of the Week: I enjoyed getting up Sunday morning and heading up to the farmers market with a girlfriend but that's not baby related. Probably the best was hearing the news that my youngest uncle & aunt had their second little baby on the 15th - a beautiful little boy named Eli! I haven't heard details yet but I'm assuming it all went well as they were all back home 24 hours after the birth. This is exciting as he will be our little one's closest-aged cousin so I'm hoping they'll be good friends.

What I Miss: Same stuff - salads, cold meats & soft cheese, but I'm only a few weeks away from having them again now so it's not worth complaining about really.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Just getting this baby out of me healthy and whole

Upcoming Appointments: Next appointment is on the 29th of November. Then the following week we're booked for a scan and quick check in with Dr. F and then the week after that is baby time!

Hand-me-downs

2011-11-14T10:00:00.000+11:00

Yesterday we took the MIL out for lunch and she asked us if we would be ok with her giving us some things she bought for Mallory to use for the new baby. It was kind of her to ask, although we'd never really know the difference if she hadn't told us. We've got a few other things that were sent as gifts for Mallory that we obviously never got to use and although I can't help but think of her when I look at them, I do intend to use them for the new baby. Her question got me thinking about how sad but also how sweet that of all the things Mallory never got a chance to do, at least she can leave hand-me-downs for her little sister.

34 Weeks

2011-11-11T09:59:00.000+11:00

I think this blog is dying. I'm not quite sure what to do with it anymore. It was originally to document and self-counsel myself through the loss of Mallory and to that end I think it has done that as well as it can. I've found some amazing ladies suffering through similar situations and the support from you all has been wonderful through the early days of her loss and throughout this pregnancy. Now that we're nearing the end of the pregnancy I find myself at a loss for words. I feel like I've said just about all there is to say about missing Mallory. I don't miss her any less but I'm just all worded out. I'm thinking it might soon be time to move on from this blog and try my hand at the 'normal' new mum blog with 8 million photos of baby's room and baby stuff and soon to be (please!) baby rather than having it mingle here with all this grief. But I'm not sure yet. And in the mean time I'm incredibly boring anyway with nothing else on my mind but getting this baby out of me alive and well. But enough of that for now. I'm overdue for 2 weeks of updates so will try to get that done before I go about my 'real life' to-do list.

So, firstly - 34 weeks! Woohoo! I'm all good for this baby to come out any time now. I'm getting more and more frightened of the possibility of a stillbirth so really little one, come out soon and put me out of my misery.

Last week's scan was good, except once again no good face shots. She's got her little face smooshed right into the placenta and wasn't interested in turning to face us at all. But, growth is good - she measures four or five days ahead and was doing plenty of moving and practice breathing so all is looking ok.

Dr. F had me stop the progesterone pesseries (hurrah!) and tonight is my last clexane shot until after I give birth (when he wants me back on it for six more weeks - urgh!). My iron was a bit low so I've upped my dose of that and will swap over to baby aspirin to replace the clexane.

We also got an induction date set out of Dr. F this time! I wanted the 15th which is exactly 39 weeks but he's in surgery all that day so he said we'll have to do it on the 13th or 14th. My plan is to go ahead and (if needed) go in for the gel on the 13th and then to go home and wait it out overnight to try and avoid any further steps. In the mean time I'll start researching all the 'natural' induction methods and get started on that after my exam is over (21 Nov).

So we did two baby markets in two weekends, one locally and one about an hour north of us. We did get quite a lot of great stuff but still no change table which sucks. Now I've gotta get serious about watching ebay to try to find something near enough to us, but I'm not thrilled about not being able to see it before we agree to buy it. Still though, I'm pretty determined to buy 2nd hand. It just seems so wasteful to me to buy all this stuff new - wasteful money-wise as well as environmentally.

We had the first of our antenatal classes last Saturday as well. I have to say I didn't find it as informative as I was hoping, but mostly because it seems I've done a fair bit of research already. Also, although it was horrible, we have already been through the process once before. Actually, I really struggled not to cry for the first few hours of the class because the first thing the midwife running it asked was if it was the first baby for all of us. It was for everyone else so I didn't really feel like it was the appropriate place to mention the horrors we'd been through and scare everyone else or make them pity us for the whole day. But it was hard and I felt like a terrible person for denying Mallory. The midwife was nice, but I found her to come across quite judgemental of all intervention/pain relief/c-sections. Still, it was great to see T asking so many questions - he was the only man who did and I was quite proud to see how involved he was with it all (not that I have any doubts that he'll be a great dad). We ended up leaving a bit early because I was feeling quite unwell and as we'd already spent a month in that hospital we didn't feel we really needed the tour that we'd be missing.

So that class was the labour side of things and this coming Saturday is the parenting side of things. I guess this is where we learn to wrap and bath and change nappies which will be good for us. I'll be bringing in one or two of our cloth nappies as we may as well learn on them rather than the disposables we're not planning to use. Plus they're so cute and fluffy and it will be fun to show them off. It's been a long time since I've done any nappy changing, and it will be great if the midwife has some experience with cloth so she can help us master the whole prefold/snappi/cover situation.

Wednesday I had the pleasure of heading down toward the city to catch up with a couple of online preggie friends. We're all IVF gals and have had all sorts of trouble getting to the stage we are. We're in a group of 9 but only 3 of us are in NSW. We had lunch and chatted about baby/pregnancy stuff the whole time - it was great! They're as lovely in real life as they are online and I hope we'll manage to keep in touch for years to come. We're all expecting babies to be born around the same time too which will be really fun, and we're all three having girls!

I've also started doing baby washing - lots of wraps, clothes, & other bits & pieces from the baby markets as well as my nappy collection! Well, part of it. I've only washed one of each brand/type of nappy so that we can try it out a few times before washing others of the same brand/type. It was great to see them all out there on the clothes line flapping in the breeze.

Part of our nappy collection drying in the sunshine

Ok and here's the weekly meme part...

How Far Along: 34 weeks (& 1 day)

Weight Gain: 7kg above my starting weight, 10kg above my pre-IVF weight still! I actually was 1kg down last week but that's probably just because I was sick.

Symptoms: My plevic pain is back. :(

Movement: It's wonderfully painful most of the time, and seems to be fairly constant throughout the day & night. Pretty much any time I'm still I can feel her moving around and at night while we're eating dinner and relaxing/watching TV it's down-right painful. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she elbows & knees her way out of my belly rather than making her way out the traditional way.

Sleep: Not too bad, I still wake up many times in the night and sometimes can't sleep but I'm able to get a nap most days to make up for it.

Best Moment of the Week: Meeting up with some of my online preggie friends was quite fun, but just making it to 34w is such a relief. It's great to know that from here on out we are right to head to our private hospital rather than having to be shipped off to a public one.

What I Miss: Nothing really.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Getting finished with my exam and focusing on getting this baby evicted!

Upcoming Appointments: Next Tuesday the 15th is our next appointment with Dr. F. I don't think anything exciting will be happening at that one though, just a quick check-in with him and the usual blood pressure/pee stick test.

32 Weeks

2011-10-27T09:07:00.000+11:00

This was a fairly quiet week. I spent Thursday and Friday working on my big uni assignment that was due on Sunday. Saturday we just did regular shopping and things, and then went out for a nice dinner & movie that night. Sunday I spent the day at uni - yuck. But, a bulging belly seems to be good for conversation so there was lots of talk of babies and things which was at least much more interesting than the subject of the class.

I got quite sick on Monday afternoon with a stomach bug of some sort and it freaked me out. I'd never been quite that sick before and of course I was paranoid it was something I ate and that it might be dangerous for my little passenger. I spent most of the time (that I wasn't dashing to the toilet {ok, waddling to the toilet - I don't do much dashing these days}) sleeping until Tuesday night when we started to worry that i was still sick and called the hospital. I'm sure they're going to be sick of us by the time this baby is born! The midwife asked a handful of questions and gave T instructions for me (water, simple foods, rest...) and said that if I was still feeling bad in the morning then to call my GP for testing. I felt great in the morning though so all is well. Probably picked up something at uni on Sunday.

I did find myself rather sooky and weepy while I was sick. Partly it was just feeling sorry for myself for feeling like shit, but it was also partly that I was just struggling to cope with the anxiety of this pregnancy. I thought I would become more comfortable in this pregnancy the further we got, and in some ways I have, but the further we get the more invested I am. Every kick makes me love this little girl more and I'm struggling to overcome the terror of losing her. Everyone is telling me how important it is to keep her inside me for as long as possible but honestly - the sooner she's out the better. I'd like to make it to 34 weeks but I'd be thrilled if she decided to move out by 35 weeks. I know it's early, but we have the technology to care for her out here. Inside me there is just too much that could go wrong. In an ideal world she's pop out after exactly 40 weeks, but in an ideal world I wouldn't have a dead baby and an untrustworthy body when it comes to reproduction. I dream about having a stillbirth now a few times a week. T keeps trying to reassure me by saying there's no reason to believe anything will go wrong. But, that's the point, isn't it? All along with Mallory there was no reason to believe anything would go wrong. And actually when I fell pregnant the first time in 2008 there was no reason to believe it. Having no reason to believe anything will go wrong is no reason at all to believe that things might actually go right. Our history shows that clearly.

How Far Along: 32 weeks

Weight Gain: Same as last week (probably not eating for two days whilst sick had something to do with this) so +7kg from my pre-pregnancy weight and +10 from my pre IVF weight.

Symptoms: The headache from hell is obviously here to stay. So is heart-burn. I don't actually have to have any food or drink in me these days for that acid to come creeping up my oesophagus. I've got to keep my Tums with me at all times.

Movement: Pretty good continual movement which is often painful when I'm sitting.

Sleep: Pretty much the same as it has been, although I did do a whole lot of sleeping while I was sick for two days.

Best Moment of the Week: Two good moments - one totally non-baby related - getting my uni assignment done and turned in. It was no masterpiece but I'm just happy to be finished with it. Also good (although still not strictly baby-related) - sex! We had sex for the first time since maybe late Feb / early March!

What I Miss: Runny eggs again. I think I would normally only eat eggs with runny yolk a few times a year so it's ridiculous that I want them so frequently when I can't have them.

What I'm Looking Forward to: We're heading to the baby & kid markets on Sunday (think good-sized indoor swap-meet / boot-sale for kids stuff only) and I'm hoping to pick up a few odds & ends that we need - change table, bath, bumbo, maybe a swing and an Ergo newborn insert. Plus I'll have my eye out for cute clothes, blankets, wraps and of course cloth nappies.

Upcoming Appointments: 3 November is our next appointment with Dr. F and it's a scan day as well, so that should be good.

31 Weeks

2011-10-21T10:31:00.001+11:00

I meant to write and post this last night but we had a bit of a panic and went off to hospital instead. I hadn't felt much movement at all yesterday and after dinner - when she's normally kicking the crap out of me - I didn't feel anything at all. So we called the hospital and jumped in the car to have the check things out. On the drive I actually felt one decent kick, but it was still so strange that she wasn't moving all over the place in there that we went anyway. Almost as soon as I lay down I got another good kick, and once I was strapped up to the monitors she started moving around a fair bit. Phew! Her heart rate was fine and my uterus wasn't doing anything crazy, so after 20 minutes we went home feeling pretty good. I was still a bit freaked out after we got home as I was having more braxton hicks contractions than normal and she again wasn't moving around a whole lot. I slept horribly because I kept waking and not feeling any kicks as I usually do in the night.

The midwife that saw us last night said she suspected bub's head was up near my ribs rather than down as it was two days ago and perhaps in this new position she couldn't move as easily. I'm sure she was right as she showed me the big head-like lump last night and then early this morning our little one started to hiccup. Normally I only feel the hiccups way down low but this time I felt them right below my ribs - same spot that the midwife showed last night. Then after an hour or so I felt some serious twisty motions and then the kicks started up where I'm used to them - below my ribs where the head must have been before. And, as confirmation that she's back head down, she's having hiccups right now and they're back where they belong. So, all is well and I'm just hoping she stays head-down.

So we survived the week of Mallory's anniversaries and to be honest the build-up to it all was worse than the actual days. The days sucked, but really not all that much more than any other day. My parents sent a beautiful ornament for our Xmas tree and we had lots of supportive comments from friends and family. I received a beautiful necklace with Mallory's name on the pendant from a beautiful group of girls that I journeyed through Mallory's pregnancy with online, and I'll cherish it with the few other items I've got to remember her by.

In a way I was sad to see Mallory's birth and death anniversary go by with so little fanfare. I was almost hoping for something monumental and it was a bit of a let-down to feel just like any other day. Particularly the 18th, when we really just went about our day as normal except for a few tears over a lovely email we got from my mother. But, it's done now. I'm thinking I'll feel better when we can put October behind us. I think it will be quite some time before the whole month of October stops having such a sad shadow over it.

This pregnancy though is going ok still. I was disappointed that Dr. F wouldn't discuss the induction process or set a date with me. He wants to wait and see, but I really want it set. I don't want it to turn out that he's too busy with other deliveries on the day I want (Dec 15) so we have to go earlier or later. I know it's best to keep her in for as long as possible so the 15th is what I want - that's 39 weeks and gives us just enough time for 5 days in hospital (it will only be four if we can avoid c-section but I'm being realistic in knowing that inductions often end in c-sections) and four days at home to settle into life together before my family arrives and the chaos of Christmas happens. Next appointment I'll request again that we talk about it and see if I can't get him to agree to schedule me in. Of course I'm still hoping she'll come on her own before then.

I felt quite brave this week eating salad for lunch for two days in a row. I've been terrified of most uncooked veggies because I couldn't be sure they were washed well enough. But, I manned up, scrubbed the crap out of a few pathetic veggies (iceburg, carrot, celery & broccoli) until they shined, and then covered them with croutons and salad dressing. Yum. It's hard to imagine such a daggy salad tasting so good but it's been so long since I've had veggies that weren't steams, baked, or cooked into some other dish that I really enjoyed it. I know I'm probably over-reacting by not eating raw vegetables regularly but I don't care. I'm fine with being the overly paranoid, protective mum that people roll their eyes at.

How Far Along: 31 weeks

Weight Gain: 7kg above my starting weight, 10kg above my pre-IVF weight

Symptoms: Just a few aches & stretchy pains and this constant headache that I've had for most of the week.

Movement: (So except for yesterday's scare...) My insides are now regularly being pummelled. I think she's trying to kick her way out. Actually not kicking but maybe stretching her way out. We sit and watch TV at night and I spend the whole night ooching and ouching, but it's fun. I'd much rather be in pain than not feel her. I do have to resort to pushing back on occasion when she's pushing on an overly sensitive/painful spot for too long.

Sleep: Not so bad, although I've been waking up really early and then needing a sleep mid-day. I was having trouble breathing when I laid down each night so I've resorted to collecting even more pillows to prop myself up with. Now I've got the sofabed mattress folded in half, 6 full sized pillows, a beany/travel pillow and a rolled up towel to help me sleep. T's side of the bed looks absolutely impoverished compared to my side.

Best Moment of the Week: Just getting past Mallory's milestones was good. I think the anticipation of the days was worse than the actual days, but I'm pleased to be moving along October, which will always be her month and I would imagine always sad.

What I Miss: Nothing food-wise. I do miss my great-grandmother. Her funeral is this Friday in the US and there was just no chance of us being able to afford getting there.

What I'm Looking Forward to: I'm going to start washing baby stuff next week to celebrate finishing up my uni assignment.

Upcoming Appointments: 3 November is our next appointment with Dr. F and it's a scan day as well, so that should be good. We'll be at 33w so not sure how squishy things will be inside there, but I'm still hoping we might get a better 3D image.

A doubly sad day

2011-10-13T09:17:00.000+11:00

So today is the one year mark. I have been a mother for one year. I have been a mother to a dead baby for all but four days of that year. I have loved her and missed her. I have regretted and 'what-if'ed. And I have cried. Never could I have imagine just how full of tears a person could be. I'm almost positive that I've not gone a whole week without crying for my little Mallory. I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about her, if so - certainly not many. I am amazed at how big a role she can play in my life, having spent so little actual time in it. It's a wonder to me how such a tiny little being can have such a profound effect on another person's life. So today we miss her and mourn her and wish we could have her back.

But, because the universe thought today wasn't sad enough already, it decided to give me something else to be sad about. I got word from my father that my great-grandmother - the one for whom Mallory was named - passed away this morning. We have been expecting it as she's been in hospital for the last few days and not very well, and she was 95 already. But, one of the first things I said to T this morning as we cried over Mallory was 'I hope my Grandma doesn't die today.' so of course she has. If we believed in an afterlife it would almost be poetic. We could imagine Mallory and my great-grandmother happily frolicking around in heaven together, and it pleases me that some of my family will take comfort in that image. But for us, there is none of that. My baby is dead. My great grandmother is dead. Never the two shall meet.

One of the things I was looking forward to with this new pregnancy was taking this baby to see the family early next year and letting my great-grandmother meet her great-great-granddaughter. That was the plan for Mallory last year, and when I fell pregnant again I thought we'd have a chance with this baby. What a wonderful memory (& and photo opportunity) that would have been.

Today is overcast and dreary. Appropriately matched to how I feel on the inside. I'm a little bit lost, not sure what to do with myself. I went through the ritual of looking through Mallory's memory box yesterday. I'm wearing my pendants - one shaped like a tear and filled with a tiny bit of her ashes, and the other a heart with her name on it. I've read and cried myself through the blog we created while we were in hospital with Mallory, and now I've run out of things to do. Today is a real struggle.

29 Weeks

2011-10-06T06:25:00.000+11:00

I didn't post a 28 week update as I just never got around to finishing it. 28 weeks was a wonderful milestone to make. If I go into labour right now we've got a 90% or better chance of taking home a living, healthy baby. But, I'm struggling with this month because it's Mallory's month. I find myself crying about her on and off throughout each day and I struggle to find the energy for much else. I've been trying to distract myself with shopping and organising for this new baby, but when I've got any down time I'm likely to be in tears.

With her birthday only being a week away, I'm starting to feel guilty that we don't have anything planned to mark the occasion. I've read about lots of lovely things people have done to celebrate the birth of their dead babies but none of them feel right for us. Then the 18th is the 1 year anniversary of her death - so close together these two days, but separate enough that I can't just spend the whole 5 day period in bed. Should we do something on both days? I wish I knew which would be harder to cope with. I wish I knew what we could do to acknowledge her. T thinks it's ok just to remember her - he actually was planning to have 'work from home' days rather than taking the days off but I'll ask him to take the days off. I don't like the balloon thing as I'm too much of a wannabe greenie. I don't want to make a cake and have a sad birthday 'celebration' for her. I don't want to see or talk to anyone other than T on those days as I still hold this grief very close. It's just such an impossible milestone - to be one year past the birth and death of our child. How is it possible that I've managed to get out of bed and face all those days with such a gaping wound in my heart? How do you commemorate a person who never really got to be a person? This is one of those times where a belief of some sort - some god or angels or spirits or afterlife - would be useful. Instead I'm struggling not to relive everything over and over and regret and think about all the 'what ifs'. This is hard. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting to be struggling so much right now. I was hoping the hope we've got for this new baby would minimize the pain of this month but so far it doesn't seem to be. I'm grateful, and I'm so very pleased with how things are going, but it seems that I'm either thinking about this baby or our dead baby - joy or sorrow with no in-between.

So, I expect to be quite a mess this coming week, and don't expect that I'll be back here to write as I can't help but be a sobbing mess when I'm writing and I figure I'll be doing enough crying as it is. It will be a good milestone for this pregnancy though - we hit 30 weeks on Mallory's birthday, but I expect I'll be preoccupied with thoughts of Mallory to do much celebrating. This poor little one will just have to wait a week or two until I (hopefully) start to feel a bit better.

We booked into hospital the other week and the booking nurse was lovely - she asked if there were any rooms that we didn't want to go into which we thought was really thoughtful. We're booked in for the birthing/parenting classes early November and have paid for that already so hopefully we'll actually get to go this time.

We've also booked my parents' flights to join us for Xmas this year. They actually arrive Xmas morning around 6am which will be interesting as I'm likely to be only a few days out of hospital so getting down to the airport to greet them will be an experience, but we're glad they'll be here for Xmas lunch and get to experience an Aussie Xmas. Now that we know when they are to arrive we can get serious about discussing an induction with Dr. F. My plan is to book it in time to give us the 5 days of hospital stay (in case it ends up as a c-section as I know inductions often do) and then three or four days settling in at home before they arrive . So, that puts us at around 15 December which is 39 weeks. I'm still hoping she turns up earlier - anytime after the 21st of November will please me, but 39 weeks is good - gives her plenty of time to stew in there and gives us a few days to relax as a trio at home.

We attended a expo on baby & kid stuff last weekend which was interesting - lots of information and products. Most of it was junk - bronze hand & feet casts and other similar sort of stuff, but we tried out a few slings and strollers, picked up a million brochures and samples, and managed not to spend all that much money which is a good thing. We won't do it again but I'm glad we went the once.

And I think that's about it for the last two weeks. Thanks very much to everyone for the lovely comments, and particularly for those of you who commented after my post about using Mallory's name or maybe middle name for this new bub. We haven't decided yet but it was great to get feedback from those who have been in a similar situation.

How Far Along: 29 weeks

Weight Gain: 5kg above my starting weight, 8kg above my pre-IVF weight

Symptoms: A few aches & pains, heartburn, headaches - just the usual. Nothing too terrible. I'm on another round of antibiotics which makes my stomach sick and has given me thrush. Luckily today is the last day of that for another month.

Movement: Hiccups! As I write I'm pretty sure I'm feeling this little one's hiccups. This is the 4th time in the last few days that I've felt this - small rhythmic thuds way down low. We still have busier days and quieter days but feeling her move is probably the only thing keeping me sane right now. A few kicks this last week were almost painful. I'm looking forward to painful kicks - I want to know she's strong and active.

Sleep: Pretty bad still. I get up to pee usually 3 times each night and I still struggle with a fair bit of hip pain. We've taken the sofa-bed mattress folded in half and placed it on my side of the bed to help cushion things and it seems to be working a bit - it's just ridiculous to be sleeping 10 inches higher than T and with 72 pillows and my feet dangling off the end of the folded mattress.

Best Moment of the Week: The Baby & Toddler Show was fun, although overwhelming and exhausting. Still though nothing beats when this little one gets her wiggle on and makes my belly squirm all over the place.

What I Miss: Just being lazy about food again - eating leftover pizza straight from the fridge, being ok with dodgy looking salad served at restaurants and stuff like that.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Getting through the next week and a half and hopefully feeling a bit less weepy and sad.

Upcoming Appointments: Next appointment with Dr. F is on the 18th. Now that we know when the parents are getting here I'm hoping to discuss setting a date for induction & what is actually involved in that.

27w4d Scan Pics

2011-09-26T19:43:00.000+10:00

We had another scan this morning and it was really great - we were with the sonographer for ages and she tried her best to get some nice 3D images for us. Unfortunately our little girl was being bashful and tried to keep her face smooshed into the placenta rather than smiling for the camera. But, everything looks good and she's growing right on track except for her belly and her feet which both measure a week ahead. Big belly and feet...no surprise considering her big footed, big-bellied parents I suppose.

We also got my GTT results back all good, swab & urine tests all good, and got to have my anti-D shot too, so overall a rather eventful appointment. Which left T and me both feeling pretty good.

This one makes her nose look a bit funny but she seems to have a cute pouty look and her little ear is so cute!

The placenta takes up the left-half of the image and distorts her face a fair bit but I like this one because it looks like she's got lots of hair.

Giant feet! Measured at 6.02cm which seems pretty freaking big for a baby at this stage to me.

27 Weeks

2011-09-22T14:52:00.000+10:00

In trying to come up with a name for this little one, we've considered using Mallory as a middle name, in honour of our first bub. We both thought of it independently, and two of my friends actually asked us if we were planning to do so. I can't decide if this is a really lovely thing to do or if it would be unfair to the new bub. I would love to honour Mallory this way, but not if it would be hurtful at some point to our second child. How might she feel to have her dead sister's name as a middle name? Would she feel honoured, or would she feel second best, or that it was morbid or something? I've also thought maybe we could use Mallory's middle name, Evelyn, which is also the name of my great grandmother. Is that weird? I don't want it to seem that we're trying to have Mallory over again, but it would be nice to create some tangible connection between our two daughters.

What do all you beautiful bloggy friends think? We're ages away from deciding but I would love to hear other's opinions as we work through the decision process.

How Far Along: 27 weeks

Weight Gain: Another kg up, so now I'm 4 above my starting weight. My face and my thighs seem to be getting bigger faster than my belly. Time to cut back on the sweets I think.

Symptoms: Fat, swollen fingers - yuck! If they get much worse I'll have to take off my rings I think, to avoid having to have them cut off later! Also I've had a few days where I feel I need to hold my belly when I walk as it hurts to have it bouncing around out in front of me. I'm taking Tums most nights now to try to keep the heartburn & reflux to a minimum too.

Movement: Plenty of movements still. I'm still in such awe of this part of pregnancy and I find it rather difficult to focus on anything when I've got a belly full of wiggly human. When I'm laying down watching TV with T at night or reading a book during the day I spend more time watching my belly than I do the TV or book! I sent back the doppler finally today so now I'll probably be extra paranoid about movements for the next few days, hopefully she'll not have a quite day anytime soon.

Sleep: Shocking. I've accepted that the best thing is just to accept a series of naps rather than a good sleep through the night. I think it's mostly just because my hips are hurting so much from sleeping on them. They're sore all day now rather than just when I'm sleeping on them.

Best Moment of the Week: Landscaping guy asked me if i was smuggling pillows which I thought was brave but still amusing. T and I have finally gotten serious about thinking names and have been going back and forth with ideas all week.

What I Miss: Nothing really comes to mind this week.

What I'm Looking Forward to: 28 weeks!

Upcoming Appointments: W Monday's appointment is a scan so looking forward to seeing what's happening inside. Since I've never been pregnant before this part of it is all new to me.

26 Weeks (and 1 day)

2011-09-16T11:48:00.000+10:00

Well, here I am - officially more pregnant than I've ever been. Mallory was born at 25w6d. I feel a fair bit further along than I was with her though because I am feeling more pregnant this time around. Since my membranes ruptured at 21w with her my belly didn't look very pregnant and her movements were restricted so they felt nothing like the movements I'm feeling this time. I also didn't have any of the ligament stretchy sort of pains or any pelvic pain with her so even though I'm only a few days beyond what we made it to last time, I feel significantly more pregnant than I ever did with her.

I was expecting 25w6d to be a struggle for me emotionally. We've now passed my previous pregnancy by and it feels that in doing so we've also sort-of left Mallory behind. It just feels now more than before that she is the past and this new baby is the future, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. But, the day I imagined I'd spend crying I actually just spent doing normal stuff - a bit of housework, a bit of laying around, and only a little bit of being sad.

I am quite happy to spend large portions of my day just being still and feeling the movements going on inside me. I'm just in awe of what is going on with my body. The aches & pains are so inconsequential and they actually make me happy as I think that my body is doing what it is supposed to. I still struggle to accept that it will continue to do as it should, as it's not done well by us in the past, but for right now it's doing what the bodies of so many other women do naturally and I'm grateful for that.

How Far Along: 26 weeks

Weight Gain: Didn't weigh myself this week - it's too depressing. My double chin is growing at an alarming rate, as are my thighs. I can't actually tell that my belly is growing much but I keep bashing it into things, so I guess it must be sticking out more than it used to. I'll weigh myself for next week.

Maternity Clothes: I'm not going to bother with this question after this week - it's boring. Yep, rocking the elastic waisted jeans but still happy with my normal clingy tops that are long enough to cover the gut. Looking forward to it being warm enough to get into my maternity swimsuit and get my big bum out in the pool.

Symptoms: Yeast infection defeated - yay! Hopefully that won't come back with each month's course of antibiotics. Other than that just a few minor aches & pains & heartburn - nothing too exciting.

Movement: I'm loving the strange momentary urges to pee that I get when she steps down on my bladder. It's funny to have that feeling for just a second or two at a time. I think I'll be able to tell when (if) she flips down the right way as the feel of kicks is quite different from the feel of head-butts.

Sleep: I've had a few bad nights but can still make up for it with naps in the daytime if I need to. Lots of crazy vivid dreams lately which at least gives me something to think about when I'm lying awake at night.

Best Moment of the Week: I guess just getting past 25w6d without any serious melt-downs.

What I Miss: Salads. The warmer weather is making me crave salads but I'm still too paranoid to eat veggies that aren't cooked.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Now the goal is 28 weeks to get to that magic 90%+ chance of viability. Then 30 weeks will be nice as that's when we've decided we'll feel safe enough for me to get a bit more exercise and maybe even to add sex back into our lives.

Upcoming Appointments: Wed, 21 September I go in for the glucose tolerance test, vaginal swab, and other various blood tests. Monday the 26th I'm back to the OB for a check-up and another proper scan. Hoping we'll get to have a look with the 3d/4d imaging and maybe take a picture or two home with us.

25 Weeks

2011-09-08T18:14:00.000+10:00

Today was a real struggle. I was hoping my last post would give me a bit of relief, and it might have, had it not been followed by an email from my mother. The email was a rant from her about the big news. She's skeptical as to the durability of my brother's new-found relationship, his ability to support such a quickly growing family, and the honesty/sincerity of his fiancée. I started reading the lengthy email feeling quiet elated that she at least shared some of my concerns/doubts but then as she tried to wrap up and put on a cheerful face she made a little comment that ruined me for the day. She mentioned what a shock it would be in a few months time to go from having no grandchildren to having three. She is referring to our expected bub, my brother's expected bub, and the child of his fiancée who will become more or less theirs once the pair are wed. That's right, none to three. No mention of the one little grandchild they already have, their very first, who was born just a little more than a month under one year ago. Less than a year gone and already forgotten by her grandmother.

Of course I know that's not true, and of course I know she didn't mean any harm by it, but damn that hurt. I thought I was facing up to the impending anniversaries fairly well until I read that. We are just six days away from the point in my last pregnancy where I went into labour to the detriment of my poor little daughter. We're a month away from her first birthday and the anniversary of her death. What shit timing my mother has to forget about her just now.

So, instead of making peace with the whole stupid situation after my post I found myself back in bed with a roll of scratchy toilet paper to wipe my nose and eyes and a whole day in which to rant and rave and feel sorry for myself. I tried to sleep but couldn't, but after a few hours I picked up my Kindle and managed to hide away in a book for the remainder of the day. Not productive, but the best I could do.

I should say it wasn't all bad. Toward late afternoon I started to feel a little bit better. This new little person I'm carrying was quite active for most of the day, which was reassuring, and the book was a good one. T should be home soon and we'll turn on some mind-numbing show on TV for a few hours and then I can go to sleep and be one day further into this pregnancy, and that's something to be grateful for.

How Far Along: 25 weeks

Weight Gain: Looks like I've put on another half a kilogram or so, which makes me about 3kg up from the weight I started this pregnancy at, and a total of 6kg up from my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity Clothes: My belly doesn't seem to be growing, so my maternity clothes are still not all usable. I'm fortunate to be able to dag around still in yoga pants and long, stretchy tops at home most days. I've got to go to an all-day uni session on Sunday so I'll be trying things on until I find the outfit that makes me look the most pregnant. Not because I want to brag, but because I don't want people to mistake my gut for just an overindulgence of sugary treats and booze.

Symptoms: My first ever yeast infection. The midwife said that the antibiotics I'm on often cause them, plus pregnancy often causes them. It's not terrible but mildly annoying - as is having to add yet another gross ritual to my day. Now I've got a pessary for the morning inserted as usual but the yeast infection cream to insert vaginally at night which leaves the back passage for my evening pessary. Gross. It will be good not to feel so itchy though.

Movement: Pretty regular now and I'm getting a few good strong kicks.

Sleep: Pretty good, although it's more often two or three trips to the bathroom each night now which is tiresome.

Best Moment of the Week: Sunday T got to feel a really good forceful kick and was amazed. That was fun.

What I Miss: Nothing springs to mind

What I'm Looking Forward to: 26 weeks - I've never been that pregnant before.

Upcoming Appointments: 13 September - back to the OB

Ugly Infertile Jealousy

2011-09-08T09:00:00.000+10:00

I'm doing my weekly update seperate from this post as I don't want that post sullied by the terrible things I'm going to say in this one.

Facebook was the bearer of some shocking news for me last night. Turns out my brother's fiancée is pregnant. I should elaborate. His 23 year old walmart cashier, single mother of a child to another man already, had a miscarriage at 18, only known for three months fiancée is pregnant. And, this is the brother who at 29 years of age still has his mother managing all his finances for him. Oh, and he's living in a house my parents bought as an investment property and not paying adequate rent to cover the mortgage or the utilities. He also frequently crashes his car after which my parents pay to have it fixed (and also pay his insurance). These two have been engaged now for two weeks and in that time they've both complained about eachother (not in a fun, teasing sort of way) on facebook rather than sitting down like adults and discussing a disagreement. These two fucking morons are breeding, and the world is a stupid, fucked up place.

So, perhaps I'm a bit bitter and judgemental, huh? Perhaps I should have prefaced this post with a warning that all my bitchiness is about to come out in full force. Reading this post will certainly leave you thinking me a lesser person than before. It will be ugly, but it must come out.

I'm shocked at how poorly I'm dealing with this news. I don't understand why I'm shedding so many tears over it. I started crying as soon as I saw it and it completely ruined my evening. I've been crying all morning. I hate this girl and I've never even met her. Even worse, as soon as I saw the news, the first thing I thought was 'I hope she miscarries'. It wasn't just a spur of the moment sort of thought either. I still feel that way 12 hours later. Honestly. I know it's a horrible thing to wish on someone, particularly having been there and knowing just how painful it is. I know it's a horrible thing to wish that a little baby that would be loved by my family would not come into this world. Nevertheless this is how I feel. I think it's a horrible idea for my brother to be taking on a young wife with a child already, but to be adding yet another person to the situation is just a joke. He can't even look after himself and now he's planning to look after a wife and two children?

But, more than that I'm just hurting. It almost feels like a personal attack or ridicule. 'Haha here I am joining your family, making babies easily and you can't.' I feel displaced (did I mention she also has the same name as me? So when she marries my brother and takes his name she'll be the new Jennifer __ in the family). She already comes with an instant grandkid for my parents. She's close to home so my parents will see them all the time. She's making more grandbabies and lives in the same continent so those kids will get to be close to the extended family I miss so much. She will be the one my mother gets to plan a baby shower for and go shopping with (not to mention all the wedding planning my mom gets to do with her). Her children will grow up to have a great relationship with my parents, the sort of relationship I want so badly for my child but will be impossible to cultivate due to distance.

I hate this girl. Seven pregnancy facebook posts in almost as many hours. I'm 25 weeks pregnant today and I still haven't 'come out' to most of the people we know. She's a few weeks into a pregnancy and her page is already overflowing with pregnancy and baby related chatter. My facebook world still doesn't know because we're so scared something will go wrong that we haven't made the announcement. I felt obligated to 'friend' her when I found out they were engaged but honestly, it's just about time for me to unfriend her. Here's a gem of a post she's recently put up on facebook:

FUCK EVERYONE THAT IS NOT HAPPY FOR ME AND (name removed) FOR HAVING THIS BABY. AND JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS I WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN I GOT PREGNANT THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH.

Charming, right?

So yes, I'm jealous. It sounds ridiculous, considering I'm more than halfway through a pregnancy, but it's the truth. Here is this young, single woman on her third (that we know of) pregnancy. This young, uneducated, minimum-wage earning woman can apparently make babies at the drop of a hat. It hurts that someone like her can reproduced so easily, with various men, when we have been at this for four years now and have suffered terrible hurt and loss along the way. We deserve a baby. We're in a stable relationship, have ok finances (not great, but more than Walmart pays their cashiers), and put considerable thought and discussion into the idea before we even started trying. We are responsible potential parents. These two immature people do not deserve a(nother) baby. There are thousands of infertile couples (and singles) out there more deserving and prepared for a child. Why is it that so often those less desirables are the ones that end up with children in excess? It's so incredibly unfair. Unfair to us infertiles and unfair to the children.

A better person would just be happy and hopeful for them. Maybe they really do love each other and maybe they'll do some quick growing up together (although having one child already hasn't done it for her so why would another?). They might turn out to be wonderful parents. Sadly, all I can see is her getting a nice diamond ring out of my foolish brother, getting free room & board from him for the next 18 or so months while she spends her tiny pay-check on herself and her kid(s) and then leaves him with a broken heart and a lot of debt, which my parents will then take on for themselves.

There's still time for her to miscarry though, and I'm not able to let go of that hope quite yet.

24 weeks - viability & leaky boobs!

2011-09-01T15:17:00.001+10:00

By far the most exciting thing about today's post - we've made it to viability! I am officially carrying a little human that's got a chance of living if born right now - hurrah! Of course we're in no hurry for her to be born, but it's a nice feeling to make it to this point. It's still a little bit bitter-sweet as I remember celebrating this milestone with Mallory as well.

Other exciting news - my boobs are leaking. Yay. Not lots, but I hope it's not going to continue all the way through the rest of the pregnancy because, well - yuck. I'll quite happily resign myself to leaky boobs when they're actually being used as food items but for now I'd rather they keep their leaky-ness to themselves.

Last week was pretty good, we had a busy weekend then a scan and appointment with the OB on Monday. Things are looking good still and Dr. F told me he's much more relaxed about this pregnancy now. I told him I'm not quite happy about that - let's not relax yet, we've still got plenty of time for things to go wrong and I'd much rather he not get relaxed about us quite yet. He cut down the dose of the antibiotics I'm taking as my swabs have been coming back all clear which is a good thing because maybe it will mean I'm not sick in the stomach all week. On the other hand, I sorta like knowing that once a month we kill most of the bacteria I'm carrying (even if we do kill the good with any bad) and start fresh. I guess we'll just have to trust him.

Yesterday was a struggle for me. It's my own fault as I started out the day trying to catch up on my reader. I've not been very good about reading or commenting of late because I've been so wrapped up in my own little world. So I read this beautiful post at Glow in the Woods and I fell all to pieces. I spent most of the day in bed crying and missing Mallory. I sometimes think it might be better for me to avoid the baby-loss blogs I've been following but I can't seem to tear myself away.

Today is better though, we've hit a major mile-stone, our little person is particularly kicky today, and I received a lovely email from T (from work) wishing me a happy 3000th day anniversary. I swear he is the most romantic and wonderful husband in all the world. He has sworn that once we reach 24 weeks he'll stop refusing to acknowledge that we're growing a little human and start to actually talk/think about her a bit more which will be nice.

How Far Along: 24 weeks

Weight Gain: Same as last week - 2kg up from the weight I started this pregnancy at, which is 5kg up from my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity Clothes: When I go out it's maternity bottoms for sure but I can still get away with a number of my stretchy tops. At home I'm still all about yoga/track pants.

Symptoms: Other than the afore mentioned leaky boobs, a bit of pelvic pain and sore hips is all.

Movement: Pretty regular now and I'm getting a few good strong kicks.

Sleep: Not too bad - sore hips & things still but tolerable.

Best Moment of the Week: Monday's ultrasound - cervix is long and bub is looking good. Also she's head down again (for now).

What I Miss: Nothing springs to mind

What I'm Looking Forward to: 26 weeks - I've never been that pregnant before.

Upcoming Appointments: 13 September - back to the OB

23 Weeks (+1 day)

2011-08-26T15:02:00.000+10:00

I'm a day late, but it's been a quiet and mostly boring week here, so nothing much to report. T has finally decided it's ok to start considering names, so that's been a bit of fun, but he's still not keen to do much in the way of acknowledging the little human growing inside me until after we hit 24 weeks. I'm looking forward to Monday's appointment as I'm booked in for another ultrasound as well as seeing the OB. But, other than that, just trying to keep calm until we hit the highly anticipated 24 week mark.

How Far Along: 23 weeks

Weight Gain: I have been weighing myself many times each day in hopes of seeing a smaller number but it never goes down. I'm now 2kg up from the weight I started this pregnancy at, which is 5kg up from my pre-IVF weight. That means I put on 1 to 1.5kg in one week - argh! This cannot continue or I won't be able to fit out the door by the end of the pregnancy. I read that at this point it's normal to put on about 250g a week until the end of the pregnancy, not 1,500g.

Maternity Clothes: Got my Old Navy order and it all looks good except one of the pairs of jeans is a smidgen shorter than I'd like. Still longer than I could find in Australia though, so it will have to do. Hopefully they won't look too bad with flat sandals. Other than that, I'm wearing the other pair of maternity jeans out more even though they fall down a lot still. Hopefully I'll grow into keeping them up a bit better soon.

Symptoms: Nothing except this fucking headache that I've had on and off all week, and non-stop for the last two days. Urgh!

Movement: Movement is getting fun. The other night I was actually startled by one good kick/nudge/head butt and if I'm lying on my back (to let the fat spread out a bit) we can see movements from the outside which is cool.

Sleep: Not too bad - sore hips & things still but tolerable.

Best Moment of the Week: Finally T definitely felt a few kicks this week! Unfortunately I don't remember what day (night) it was - I think Monday or Tuesday.

What I Miss: Nothing really sticks out this week - maybe just being a fearless eater in general. Being ok with raw meat or leftovers or salads of questionable integrity would be nice.

What I'm Looking Forward to: 24 weeks for a chance at viability

Upcoming Appointments: Monday for OB appointment and scan!

22 Weeks - It's a Girl!

2011-08-18T13:56:00.000+10:00

Yep - Dr. F confirmed for us on Monday that we are indeed expecting a little girl. We're both pleased, although I still have the little niggling sadness about not having a boy as this will be our only child. I'm sure that will pass as it settles in more and she becomes more real to us. One worrying thing, over the last few days I've thought to this one as if she were Mallory. I'm sure this sort of thing is to be expected though.

As of today my membranes have officially been intact for longer than last time. I had a cry over that this morning, just over the unfairness that this unborn child is getting a better chance at life than Mallory got. I'm thrilled that we've reached this point but can't help feeling sad for the past as well.

It's only early days but I'm starting to be concerned that there may be a c-section in my future. The placenta is very low, although Dr. F still thinks there's a chance of it shifting far enough up not to be a problem. This bub is also breech and has been since the beginning. Again, I know it's early, but last time Mallory was head down the whole time. I know this one is only small still, but I think I would feel if she were doing full-body flips, right? I'm not really scared about a c-section, but I just imagined we'd do it the old-fashioned way. Could be nice to be able to schedule the birth though, I guess. I do worry that since I'm overweight and so out of shape recovery from a surgery will be more difficult than it might for someone in better shape.

How Far Along: 22 weeks

Weight Gain: I'm still fluctuating a fair bit so it's between 0.5kg and 1kg depending on the day.

Maternity Clothes: I've worn the maternity jeans out a few more times. They're still a bit loose but so much more comfortable than the normal jeans/belly belt combo. I also ordered a few more things from O.ld Na.vy as they had a cheap international shipping deal so hopefully I'll have a few more options in the next week or two.

Symptoms: Pelvic region hasn't been hurting as much this week which is nice and I'm feeling pretty good all around except just sore after getting out of bed or at the end of the day. I really feel my lack of exercise. I feel like my body is just so sluggish and weak because I'm not doing anything but I'm still not keen to be active until after 30 weeks.

Movement: Yep, movements throughout the day now pretty regularly. If I don't feel anything for a few hours I'll get out the doppler but this week I've had a number of doppler-free days which is great. We still haven't managed to time it so that T can feel them though. They are frequently feel-able on the outside but he's never around or awake when it happens.

Sleep: Pretty crap this last week. My outer-hips just kill me. The side I'm sleeping on hurts because it's being slept on and the other side hurts and feels like my leg is being pulled from the socket. I'be been putting more and more pillow between my knees to try to stop that pain but it's hard to keep all that stuffing between my legs and sleep at the same time.

Best Moment of the Week: Monday's appointment with Dr. F was good (except that they were running more than an hour late but said they were on time when we called to check, so we had to wait in the waiting room for more than an hour) because we booked in all the rest of our appointments until delivery and more importantly because we got to find out the gender! We also had to pay the management fee which was not so fun, but knowing that we pay significantly less than most around Australia ($1200) I'm trying not to feel too sorry for us.

What I Miss: Salads, runny eggs, and being able to have a quick ham & cheese sandwich for lunch.

What I'm Looking Forward to: 24 weeks for a chance at viability

Upcoming Appointments: Next OB appointment is August 29th and we have another proper scan done then too so it should be a good one.

21 Weeks

2011-08-11T14:44:00.000+10:00

I've been getting continually more panicky as the last week progressed, as it was at 21 weeks when my membranes ruptured last time. Every twinge in my stomach/abdomen I think is going to turn into contractions and every time I feel the grossness of the progesterone pessaries leaking out of me I fear it's a slow leak of amniotic fluid. I had a dream last night that my dad was busy shooing everyone out of the house and giving me some quiet time to pack my bags for hospital so that when my membranes ruptured I'd be ready. I mentioned it to T and he suggested that maybe I should get my bag packed - just in case. Shit. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better after we make it through this week.

I did want to say that I got really awesome comments on my last post, so big thanks to Amy, Alex, and LisaB for sharing with me!

How Far Along: 21 weeks

Weight Gain: I've done a lot of fluctuating this week. I just went to weigh myself and I'm at the same as last week right now, but I've been up a bit all week so I'm going to say 0.5kg.

Maternity Clothes: I tried to wear my maternity jeans the other night as I'm not very comfortable with the belly belt but they were just too loose in the waist so I spent the whole time pulling them up. I've also worn two of my maternity tops out but they still look funny and baggy in the front.

Symptoms: I've had a good week symptoms-wise. If I can keep my activity to a minimum during the day then my pelvic region doesn't hurt so much at night.

Movement: Feeling movement every day, multiple times, although not regular. I still usually use the doppler in the afternoon now because I'm still not feeling the movements when I'm up and moving about.

Sleep: Sleep has been surprisingly good for the last few nights! I still have to wake a few times to pee, and with this pelvic pain, every time I want to change sides I actually have to sit up and use my arms to reposition rather than just rolling over. I tend to try to stay awake when I wake in the night until I feel a bit of movement.

Best Moment of the Week: Last night there was some crazy moves happening inside me. I counted 14 quick bumps in a minute. No idea what sparked the sudden spaz-attack but it was fun for me. Every time I feel a kick/nudge/head-butt is a good moment though.

What I Miss: I'm missing green salads. I know, this isn't something most people avoid in pregnancy but I do. I just can't see how lettuce can be scrubbed well enough to be totally safe, and when I go out to a restaurant I know those salads are bagged which is a no-no. So I don't eat green salads. The only leafy greens I get are cooked into something.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Getting past 22 weeks with membranes intact

Upcoming Appointments: Next OB appointment is August 15th

Personhood

2011-08-08T12:06:00.000+10:00

What makes a person?

This is something I've had on my mind for quiet some time but not ever had the incentive to try to write out what I feel/think on the matter. Now that we've hit 20 weeks though, it seems appropriate to think on it a bit more, as our little foetus is officially a person as far as the government is concerned. By that, I mean that we've hit the point at which we must provide a name and a funeral if this little one is born and dies. Last week, it would have been a miscarriage. This week, it's a person.

This really bothered me with Mallory, as we were told when my membranes ruptured that I'd likely go into labour in the next few hours and the baby would die because she was too early for the NICU to take but she'd still need a name and an official burial/cremation/farewell. She would be 21 weeks - old enough to be considered a person, but not old enough to be worth trying to save.

Of course it's not a matter of not being worthy of saving, so much as the technology not existing to maintain life in a body that under-developed. But wouldn't it make more sense then, to change the official start of 'personhood' to correspond with the time at which the life of the person might be preserved? Who was it who decided that 20 weeks was when a foetus becomes a person worth of a birth and death certificate? (And actually, Mallory didn't get a death certificate, it just says 'deceased' on her birth certificate.)

So when is a being a person? Are only humans to be considered people? Or can other species be people? Are humans granted personhood at the moment of conception, birth, some point in between, or maybe after birth? Of course this is the question at the root of the abortion issue.

What are the characteristics of a person? Self-awareness? Other-awareness? Distinction between self and other? The drive/desire to survive? All of these things could be said about any living being, so it must be more than that. What about individuality, affection, likes & dislikes, aspirations, abstract thinking? If these things make up personhood then perhaps other ape species besides ourselves should be considered persons, and maybe a number of other non-ape species as well.

Many great philosophers and researchers have addressed this question over the years, so I don't expect to come up with an answer to 'what is personhood?' with my poor little brain. And really, it seems to me that personhood is nothing more than a title we bestow on others as we see fit. People think of their pets as 'people', Anti-abortionists think of a bundle of cells as a person.

What do I think of as a person though? When will (or when did) this foetus become a person? When will I be comfortable saying 'my baby' rather than 'this foetus'? I can't remember when that transition occurred with Mallory, but I am certainly more cautious this time around. I'm not sure I'm ready to bestow personhood yet, while I still feel that we've got such a tenuous grip on this tiny developing human. So many people call the developing human 'baby' from conception. I see so many images of blastocysts with labels like 'our snow-babies' and similar. Do so many of you really consider these things people or is it just the convention to do so? I'm not condemning at all - just honestly curious. I didn't think of our little bundle of 5 cells as a baby, just a possibility of a baby I suppose.

I'm not one to get all gooey over babies. To me, babies are cute, but a bit boring. They become interesting when they're a few years old. They get interesting when they start to develop a character - when the become 'a person'. Personality traits and individualism - to me that screams 'person'. A human becomes more of a person the longer s/he has lived, the more experiences s/he has experienced and the more s/he has learned. So then, maybe there are degrees of personhood. Still though, when does that first spark of personhood start?

I still have these thoughts about Mallory as well. Was she a person? She was born, and she lived for a few days, but she never did anything, never experienced anything (except maybe pain). She never even made a sound. Surely this intense love and loss I feel for a tiny human after just four days means she's a person, right? I couldn't possibly feel this way about a non-person, could I? So maybe personhood is completely subjective. She's a person because I loved her, not because of any innate qualities on her part. Would I have thought of her of a person at 25 weeks if she had still been inside me, rather than struggling to survive in the NICU? I don't know that I would have.

To be honest though, maybe as much as I'm scared to admit it to myself, I already claim this foetus as a person. I talk to it in my mind. I think to it all the great things we'll do and how much we'll love it and how welcome it will be in our lives and the lives of those we know. This seems like something one would say to a person, doesn't it? Maybe I'm just fooling myself with trying to keep personhood at bay. Perhaps it nothing more than a futile defence mechanism, and attempt not to get too attached to something I want so badly but fear losing.

So what is it that I'm carrying around in me? A tiny human, no doubt (T will not be happy if I give birth to a Klingon). But is it a person? Everyone around me (except T) calls it a baby. Is a baby a person? Is a foetus a baby? I don't know. Do I want it to be? I don't know. I don't think of other foetuses as people, so how can I think of mine as one?

I guess for now we're in personhood limbo. The government says I'm carrying a person now. But, if this person is born in the next four weeks s/he will die. This is such a scary place to be. I don't want to be the mother of another dead person.

I'd love to hear others' thoughts on the idea of personhood. I think it's an interesting topic with no real 'right' answer, but lots of strong opinions I would imagine.

Kitchen Table Discussion (time and grief)

2011-08-04T11:11:00.001+10:00

I have just posted my weekly update, but I also wanted to publish this post which I worked on this morning while our internet service was down. The people over at Glow in the Woods have started a discussion about child-loss grief and time. You can read other's responses at their page here. Below are my answers to the questions they ask.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)? Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?
It's been just a few days under 10 months since Mallory died. I count the time since her death in months and have since around the 2 month mark. It feels as if time is going by faster now that I am pregnant again. Once again I've got something to hope for, rather than just living in my daily dismay. Sometimes it does feel like it was a lifetime ago that we lost her - or that it was a different life altogether but then there are moments when it is so raw and fresh that I'm sure I ring up the hospital and still go see her tiny body.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief? How much time do you think that will take? How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss? How much time do you think you need now?
I can't imagine any sort of end to this grief, and so I haven't set and end goal. Just after she died I couldn't even fathom coping without her. All I could see was endless years of grief and misery. Now, I am coping (mostly) and trying to find a life again, but still I don't see any end to my grief. I have a great grandmother living still (she's 95) who lost a child 64 years ago. He was only a few weeks old when he died. To look at her you wouldn't know she was grieving, so perhaps in another 60 or so years I'll stop grieving. But then, just because we don't see her grief doesn't mean it isn't there. To the outside world I don't often appear to be grieving either. I would imagne that if I have any forewarning about my death, if it is slow in coming rather than quick or unexpected, I will grief for her with some of my last thought.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital? How long did it take to get there?
I can sometimes look at other babies and smile rather than burst into tears. That's happened gradually over the last four or five months. Again, I think that's been helped in large part by my being pregnant again. But, I can't talk (or write, or think) about her without crying.still. I hate this because it means I keep her bundled up tightly inside and don't share her story well with others. I'd like to be able to discuss her and what happened and to make her more of a part of our daily lives but I don't for fear of spending all my time crying. When/if I can get to the point of saying her name or talking about what happened without tears I'll consider that a milestone. For now, I'm not there.

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased? Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like? Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?
I'd only just started to feel safe in my pregnancy when my membranes ruptured. We were scared with that pregnancy because of my previous miscarriage and loss suffered by friends. We'd just passed all the loss milestones of our friends and I'd just started to feel movement when it all came crashing down on us. The five weeks I spent on bed-rest (most of that in hospital) I don't feel I did any bonding with my unborn child as I was just so scared about losing her. When we managed to make it beyond 24 weeks with her still inside I started to believe that she'd make it. When she was born I didn't really think she'd die. We'd made it that far, we'd alerady experienced loss, and she was doing ok for a very sick, very premature baby. I didn't spend near enough time with her in the NICU becuase it was hard to cope and I couldn't hold her or do anything. Also, we were always in the way as they were always working on her. I hated not having any privacy to sit with her so I didn't spend much time with her. I would check on her often but I probably only spent a few hours in total with her. I only touched her twice before we held her to say goodbye as she died. I was afraid to touch her. When she was dying I was in my hospital room alone, pumping breast milk for her because I didn't believe the doctors when they said she wasn't going to make it. I would give so much to be able to go back and do it again. To spend every waking minute with her, touching her and talking to her and trying to make some sort of bond with her. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for the lack of attention I paid to her while she was alive. I really thought she'd live and we'd have a lifetime together.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life. Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?
I don't really understand the statement 'incorporate grief into your life'. Honestly, if anything I think it should be 'incorporating a life into your grief'. That's what it feels like I'm trying to do at least. I am grief, but I want to be more than that. Perhaps it takes that long before there is more life than grief in a person, I don't know. I've got a long way before I feel I've reached that stage anyway.

6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds." Do you think this is true? Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay: "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?
Certianly I cry less now than I did at the beginning, and I think of Mallory a few times a day rather than not being able to stop thinking about her for more than a moment or two. Maybe that's the result of time. Maybe it's a result of stuff continuing to happen around us whether we're ready for it or not. In that case it's not really a result of time, but coincides with the passage of time. I don't believe there is anything that can 'heal' this pain, nor do I think it can bring any sort of relief. I still ache, I still feel defeated and I still struggle not to blame myself. I feel all the things I felt when she died. Time hasn't changed that. So for now I guess I'm with Edna.

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)? How about your relationship with the past?

Yes my relationship to both the past and the future have changed.

I fear the future much more than I ever did. I find myself worrying that my loved ones will be taken from me as I never did before. I worry about how I will cope without T or how he will cope without me. I feel as if death is lurking around the corner just waiting to pounce and steal my loved ones away. Now, the future is a scary and potentially horrible place. Along with that though, my goals and hopes for the future have also changed. I used to worry about a career, buying a nice house, having enough money to travel and live easily. Now all I want is my family safe and happy. I want this baby I'm carrying to live and to grow old and to have lots of babies of his/her own and I don't care if s/he is a doctor or a garbage collector as long as s/he's happy. My expectations for the future are much smaller and closer to home than they used to be.

As for the past, losing Mallory is the one thing I'd go back to try to change. I used to say that I wouldn't go back to change even the smallest thing in my life as it's all lead to where I am now. Given the opportunity now, I'd go back to when my membranes ruptured in a heartbeat. I'd be better about bed rest, I'd drink more water, keep my bum elevated, and I'd try to bond more with my unborn child. I'd get both shots of steroids in me before she was born and beg for medicine to stop labour for as long as was physically possible. I'd let my parents fly out so they could have a chance to meet their very first grandchild. When she was born I'd spend so much more time with her in the NICU. Before I used to be at peace with the past. Now I regret it, I hate it, and I wish so much I could change it.

8. How long did it take to answer these questions?
About an hour, with a few stops for eye-dabbing and nose-blowing along the way.

20 Weeks

2011-08-04T10:58:00.000+10:00

Another mostly quiet week.

I dragged T to one of those giant baby stores last weekend to check out the car restraint situation. We drive a teensy Kia Rio and we're both 6ft tall. Front seats are all the way back in order for all our leg-length to fit so I was worried about finding something to fit and started thinking we'd have to replace our car (which I don't want to do and we can't really afford to do anyway). So, we warned the poor sales-lady up front that we weren't buying anything today and then proceeded to drag her and half of her stock outside to try it out in our car. Looks like the only thing that will fit is the SnS Compaq (and not the Deluxe - that's bigger), and only if the passenger seat is pushed up a fair bit. It will be squeezy, but it will work. And actually, I think a few capsules may be a tiny bit smaller so we might end up hiring one of those for the first 6 months and then buying the Compaq to finish out rear-facing as long as possible. I'm not too concerned about it at this point now that I know we'll be able to make something work without upgrading our car. I still think we won't actually get anything until we have a healthy baby that the hospital says we can take home.

I was supposed to have an appointment with the OB this week but he was sick with the flu so I only got to see the midwife. I had a few questions she couldn't answer but they'll wait until I see him next. Mainly I want to find out if he's going to book any more scans for me because if not I'll be tempted to book in for an elective one maybe at 26 weeks. I think I can sucker him into booking me for another one because in the report for the last one it says there is a small section of amnion/chorion separation The midwife didn't know anything about that (she didn't even know what it was and had to go ask the sonographer while I waited) but said it wasn't anything to worry about. A quick consult with Dr. Google leads me to believe it's only a possible problem if the whole sac is separated rather than just a small section but of course I still worry. The sonographer told the midwife to tell me that the two would fuse when the foetus grew a bit more and squashed it closed.

Other than that it's all quiet. Uni started back this week and I've got all the intro stuff for my one class - doesn't look too hard, but not very interesting either. I plan to get our taxes done this week (hoping for a decent refund) and not a whole lot else. Just hoping to coast through the next two weeks quickly to get past the dreaded 21 weeks.

How Far Along: 20 weeks

Weight Gain: I'm back to my post-IVF weight now. During that last cycle I put on 3kg and then proceeded to lose it during the first trimester. Now I've put those 3kg back on so I'm either at +0kg (which I prefer) or +3kg depending on how you look at it. I'll stick with +0 I think so anything I put on from here on out will be actual weight gain.

Maternity Clothes: I'm still in between, although yesterday I wore some jeans out that I thought were loose and low enough but after sitting on a train for an hour I needed to unbutton & partially unzip them.

Symptoms: I've been so achy in the lower abdominal region for the last few days - I'm assuming it's just growing pains but I don't recall having so much of it last time. It's definitely not cramp-like pain so I'm not too worried about it. Also the SPD-ish pain is back. The other night it was a real struggle to make it up the stairs for bed. My back is getting sore if I'm up very much too. How in the world am I going to get through the next 20 weeks with an ever-growing belly?!

Movement: Since I felt those kicks on the outside last week, it's all been inside-only movement. Boo! But, I'm feeling it more often which is nice. At the 18 weeks scan s/he was breech (is it really called breech this early?) and I'm thinking that's how things must still be as most of the movement (kicks?) I'm feeling now are very low down rather than up near my belly button.

Sleep: I'm sleeping ok but I still wake up quite a bit and when I do it's a real struggle to get comfortable. Hips are hurting and belly is hurting and rolling over is difficult with all my aches and pains. I'm also up twice a night now to pee.

Best Moment of the Week: Finding out that we won't actually have to sell our car to get a car seat or capsule in it was a big relief. It will be uncomfortable, but we can just squeeze in the SnS Compaq if the passenger doesn't mind riding with knees in chest. I don't think we'll be doing any road-trips while this one is rear-facing though. Not without hiring a bigger car.

What I Miss: Someone mentioned runny eggs in a forum I'm in. Yum! I would love to have a pile of toast and some runny egg yolk to dip it in. Also - not pregnancy related but I'm missing Arby's roast beef sandwiches from the US. I could probably eat two or three of them if I had them available.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Getting past 22 weeks with membranes intact

Upcoming Appointments: Next OB appointment is August 15th

19 Weeks

2011-07-28T14:26:00.000+10:00

This last week has been a pretty good one. I've already raved about the doppler - which has much to do with the pleasantness of the week. Feeling a bit more movement also helps. This morning while i was letting my progesterone soak in I felt movement from the outside for the first time! So I'm hoping it won't be long before we can time it right and T can feel it too.

I also found out that my youngest uncle and his wife are expecting a baby in November and I'm so excited! She was pregnant last year but they had to terminate due to trisomy21 and severe heart defects and then she wasn't sure that she'd be keen to try again (they have a 3 year old boy as well). This is the 2nd time I've been pregnant at the same time as her and I'm really hoping this time we both get to keep our babies. This is my only shot at having a same-aged cousin for our little one (unless my brother gets busy making babies quickly - which I hope he won't do!). I asked her to share her name ideas wtih us (she's having a boy) as last time two of her top 3 choices were on my top 5 list as well. Of course, it sucks that we're on opposite sides of the planet. It's times like this where I get nostalgic for the US and wish we could live there instead of being so far away from my family.

How Far Along: 19 weeks

Weight Gain: I'm not sure if it's been my bad eating (and the shift from skim milk to low-fat milk [because apparently it's impossible to make organic, homogenised skim milk] ) or if it's baby but I've put on another half a kilo this last week. Now I'm only 1 kg below my pre-pregnancy weight and 2 kp up from my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity Clothes: I'm still getting by with my belly-belt on my jeans when I go out and at home I just keep on rocking the yoga pants. I do have one maternity zip-up sweat-shirty jacket thing I've been pretty much living in (home and out) but I don't think it looks particularly maternity-ish. It's daggy but it was cheap ($12 from old navy) and still fits when none of my other jackets or hoodies really do. Here's it:

Symptoms: The occasional ache or weird pain in my abdominal region which I'm hoping are growing/stretching pains (same as last week) but this week I did have three nights in a row of annoying groin/lower hip/inner upper thigh pain. Is this a sign of SPD to come? It was only bad at night and most painful when I was trying to get up and down stairs (of which we have lots).

Movement: Getting more frequent but not regular. Today is the first time I felt it from the outside - hurrah!

Sleep: I'm still sleeping poorly - a combination of anxiety, painful hips, crazy-sleeping husband and just my normal bad sleep I guess.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting and using the doppler yesterday was good - it actually felt empowering. Hopefully it doesn't become too much of a crutch.

What I Miss: We were at a party on the weekend and everyone had alcohol. I missed the alcohol-induced ease with strangers.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Having T feel the movement inside my gut & getting to 22 weeks with intact membranes.

Upcoming Appointments: Next OB appointment is Monday. I'm hoping I can convince him to try to see foetal-naughty bits on his little machine but if he won't (or can't) I'll find out when he'll have me in for a next scan and if it's too long to wait I might just book in for an optional one.

Doppler!

2011-07-27T11:26:00.000+10:00

I wasn't coping well with the multiple-days between feeling movement phase so yesterday I went online and hired a little doppler and it arrived today.

Houston, we have a heartbeat!

I know there's a bit of controversy over these things and both T and Dr. F weren't really keen on me using one when I mentioned it at the start of this pregnancy but then, it's not their brains that are turning to paranoid mush with all this worry and fear and not feeling movements when I expect to.

It is great - it took a whole 2 minutes or less to find the heartbeat and the relief I feel now is incredible. It's cool to hear the swishy noise of the placenta and the beautiful noise of our little one's heartbeat. It cost $39 a month (plus $22 for return shipping) and only a one month minimum - which is really all I hope to need it. Hopefully by a month from now the movements will be pretty regular and I'll be able to go by that. But, if not, I won't begrudge myself this little gift. Just to be able to wake up and start my day by hearing a heartbeat is going to make getting through the days much easier.

I won't write more since tomorrow is my official weekly update day. But I'm so happy and relieved and I imagine this is what people who don't expect heartache from pregnancy feel like. For this moment, I feel like a 'normal' pregnant person rather than a sad infertile pregnant person!

Girl or Boy? (Foetus Porn)

2011-07-24T17:16:00.000+10:00

The sonographer was confident that our little one was a girl based on this first image (also based on an earlier image that I can't seem to find in the 80+ that we have on the CD) but it didn't look very clear to us. I was expecting to be looking for the typical two or three lines the 'hamburger' as I've seen it called but we didn't see anything like that. We just believed her - she's the expert after all and she was right last time with Mallory. She was quite confident as well - there was no question in her mind. But then when we got home I browsed through the images again and this very last image gave me a start as it looks very much like open legs and penis/testicles no?

So - what to think? The sonographer is no doubt a better judge of what's happening in the ultrasound images than I am, but I know that occasionally they do get it wrong. Could this be one of those times? I don't see Dr. F again until August 2 but when I do I'll ask him to try to check on his little ultrasound machine or look at the images we have and have a guess. I know, it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to finding out and making peace with the results so I feel a bit let-down about the scan now.

I'd love to see what my beloved readers think. Does that second image say 'boy' to you?

Bum shot - legs & feet at top of image, bum at bottom of image with pointer at the bits in question.

Different angle (trans-vag AKA dildo-cam shot) which seems to be legs at top of image and a hand across abdomen - but not quite sure. What do you think this image shows?

18w and Gender Issues

2011-07-21T16:41:00.000+10:00

This past week has been a pretty nice one as far as me being pregnant is concerned. The weekend was quiet and we didn't have to entertain the MIL. We went out to a new farmer's market (new for us) and it was a good one. Monday I started my day with feeling movements before I got out of bed and so I felt pretty chipper all day. Tuesday I had an appointment with Dr. F and because I'd felt movement on Monday I wasn't super-anxious at the appointment - the first time that's happened for this pregnancy. Dr. F did a quick scan and all looks good still - cervix is long, HB was 141 and fluids looked fine (I'm still scared I'll start loosing fluids and not realise. Especially now that I've got the progesterone pessary grossness to contend with in addition to regular mucus.

Then today I got in to see the hairdresser finally after TWO YEARS! Yep, last hair cut I had was a long freaking time ago and my poor hair was a real mess. I always feel guilty spending $80 on my hair when most of the time I'm home alone anyway but it really needed to be done and I do enjoy it. If we ever win lotto I'm going to buy my very own little shampoo girl to wash my hair for me every day.

The most exciting thing coming up for us is definitely the morphology scan on Saturday morning. We will try to find out the gender as long as he/she/it is cooperating, but I'm not sure how I'll go finding out. I expect I'll be sad and cry either way at first. This might sound silly, but let me try to explain.

I am still feeling like I'd prefer a girl. Before Mallory was born neither of us cared what gender we were having, but once we knew - once I started to expect and plan for a little girl I became quite thrilled with the idea. Then when Mallory died not only did we lose our child, but we lost the hopes and dreams we'd started envisioning for our little girl. I was ready to have a girl and then she was taken away from me. So, since the beginning of this pregnancy I've had it in my head that I want a girl to take the place of the girl we didn't get to keep last time.

But then I wonder how difficult it will be to have a girl now that we've lost our first. Will she look like Mallory would have looked had she lived? Will I always look at this new little girl and wonder about the little girl we never brought home? Maybe we'd be better off emotionally if we had a boy instead.

In addition to my issues regarding Mallory and the spot this new baby will (hopefully) fill though, I expect to be saddened by knowing the gender of this bub because it will mean that we don't get the other gender. Before we had all these troubles I always had it in the back of my mind that we could probably have more than one bub if we wanted - that we could have a boy and a girl. But, nearly four years in and with the strain that infertility has put on us, not to mention the cost and T's age (he's 49), I've come to realise that this child, if he/she should come home with us, will be our only child. Barring miracles. We won't go through IVF again assuming this pregnancy is successful. It's expensive and exhausting. With my diminished ovarian reserve I'm likely to run out of eggs before we were ready to add another person to the family anyway. So, if we get a girl this time, we will love her, but I will be saddened to think that we'll never get the chance to raise a boy. And if we have a boy we will love him, but it will mean I'll never get that little girl I started dreaming about when we found out that Mallory would be a she.

How Far Along: 18 weeks

Weight Gain: That sneaky 0.5kg came back and I think it's here for good, putting me back to 1.5kg below my pre-pregnancy weight but now 1.5kg up from my pre-IVF weight

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, although I had to go through my clothes and box up all the stuff that definitely doesn't fit now and is taking up too much space in my closet and drawers. I kept the loose stuff and the long stuff. Still waiting for my belly to do its thing.

Symptoms: Just the occasional ache or weird pain in my abdominal region which I'm hoping are growing/stretching pains.

Movement: Yes, but not many or often still.

Sleep: Not so bad this last week.

Best Moment of the Week: Monday morning I woke up to a few good kicks/nudges inside which was a really wonderful way to start the day Of course now I'm worried because I haven't felt anything since then.

What I Miss: Nothing really stands out.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Now that we've made it to 18 weeks, my next milestone will be making it to 22 weeks without my membranes rupturing. Last time it happened at 21w3d I think. Sometime between 21 and 22 weeks anyway.

Upcoming Appointments: 23 July - Morphology scan

The Good Old Days

2011-07-17T17:26:00.000+10:00

I've been listening to an audio recording of the book Anne of Green Gables which I loved so much as a little girl. I didn't remember much about it but wanted to find a few free audiobooks to listen to for when I'm too lazy to even push page-turning buttons on my Kindle (yes, I acknowledge that that is INCREDIBLY lazy). Within the first few chapters I found myself reminiscing about the good old days - you know, the days when you could just rock up to an orphanage and pick out a likely child to take home with you (or in the case of this book, have someone else grab one for you while they were out!).

Our literature is littered with stories of orphans stranded in or collected from orphanages and work houses which leads me to believe that at one point in time this must have been a reality. It must have been that at some point in our not-too-distant past one could just go out and choose a likely child from a myriad of family-less individuals and be done with it.

It's not just old books and musicals that make it look easy to obtain a child, TV taunts us with the ease of nap an orphan or two as well. We just recently finished watching Six Feet Under. It's an old show, so I can't imagine I'll spoil it for anyone, but just in case, I'm about to do some spoiling - look away now if you've not finished the last season or two. The token gay couple (because every TV show worth its salt has to have one these days - which I don't think is a bad thing) decide they want a child and go about researching adoption and surrogacy. They go to an adoption information picnic sort of thing which is basically just a park full of happy orphans and prospective parents scouring the happy crowds for the best 'buys' in the crowd. As a result, the happy couple end up finding a lovely kid and with apparently no trouble they get to bring him and his older brother home to live with them. Easy-peasy.

Although I (and so many other infertiles) wanted first and foremost to have a child that is a lovely mix of me and my dearly beloved, I daydream about being able to just adopt a child or two and be done with it. T just asked me today what I would do if he were to tell me that he just found out about a love-child of his, recently orphaned, that he wanted to bring into our home (with songs of Miss Saigon running through his head and out his mouth). Honestly, at this point in our journey I can think of few things I'd like better!

Yes, I am pregnant. And so far, things are going ok for us so there is a chance that we may have our very own take-home child before this year is out. But, if adoption were affordable and could be done in a reasonable time-frame in Australia (a year rather than many) I believe we may very well have given up on furthering our own genetic codes in favour of adoption.

Certainly, if it were as simple as turning up at the local orphanage to find some in-need-of-love child I'd likely have myself a house full of them.

Of course, I realise that a society in which there are buildings full of unwanted children that are handed off to any who will have them is not to be desired, but a girl can dream.

Another boring weekly update - 17 Weeks

2011-07-14T14:35:00.000+10:00

Well, since I've already written about my dizzy spell I haven't really got anything much to say about this week. Still on the lookout for more interesting things to add to this weekly update.

I still haven't made any decisions on moving my blog either. For now it's in the too-hard basket. I'm not playing around online as much these days in favour of laying around in my hammock or in bed with my kindle. I've only got another week or two before next semester starts and although I'm only doing one class I imagine I'll spend much more time sitting in front of the computer.

How Far Along: 17 weeks

Weight Gain: 0kg - Yay that half kilo from last week went away. So, Still 2 kg down from pre-pregnancy weight but one up from pre IVF weight.

Maternity Clothes: Still no. When will my belly start to grow? I'm ready to embrace the elastic-waisted jeans but they're just too big for now.

Symptoms: I already wrote about the crazy dizzy spell which may or may not have been pregnancy related (thanks for the comments girls, if it comes back I'll head to my GP). My stomach has been quite upset lately but I think that's actually a result of the two antibiotics I'm taking killing off all my poor gut flora. Should I be taking a pro-biotic?

Movement: Yes! Very few and far-between (Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and then nothing until this morning). Please let these movements pick up the pace now! By 18w1d with Mallory I felt them every day and by 21w T could feel them from the outside so I hope this one hurries and gets moving. I had a new paranoia the other day about movement. I know downs syndrome babies often have less muscle development and so I started worrying that perhaps the reason I don't feel this one moving much is because it's got downs syndrome.

Sleep: Nothing to report. Oh, except that pregnancy semi-sex dreams are coming back. It's a cruel joke since we've agreed to living celibate for the next few months.

Best Moment of the Week: Probably Friday night's feeling movement as it was a really definite nudge/kick. I'll count that as my first 'official' movement so 16w1d. Every time I feel something it feels like a gift though. If only I could time it so that every time I thought something was wrong I could feel a reassuring kick.

What I Miss: Nothing really screams out at me. Just the usual brie, wine, lunch meat I guess.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Feeling more movement, belly growing to fit maternity clothes, morphology scan, making it to 30 weeks, Xmas with baby.

Upcoming Appointments: 19 July - next time with Dr. F, 23 July - Morphology scan

Dizzy Spell

2011-07-13T14:39:00.000+10:00

Sunday night I started to feel quite dizzy after dinner. So much so that T had to hold on to me to keep me from falling over as we made our way upstairs for bed. We laughed it off as probably some weird pregnancy symptom and didn't worry overly-much about it. We just assumed I could sleep it off.

Rather than sleeping it off though, it got worse. Every time I turned over in the night I would be woken by the insane head spins that lasted for a good few minutes before it settled. T went off to work in the morning before I woke but when I did I was feeling just as dizzy. I was hanging onto furniture and walls to try to avoid falling over on my way to the bathroom and everything was spinning so badly I was starting to feel nauseous. I thought I'd just stay in bed for a while until it wore off, but it wouldn't. So I called T at work while trying to keep my head as still as possible and asked him to do some Dr Googling. He found lots of stuff saying it was normal during pregnancy - that extra progesterone could cause low blood pressure which could be the cause and I'd just started twice-daily progesterone pessaries a few days before so we assumed that was probably it and hopefully it would go away soon.

It didn't go away though so I rang him again and asked him to find out if low blood-pressure could be dangerous for the foetus. I wasn't sure if my dizziness was the normal sort of dizzy a pregnant person should feel or if it was abnormally severe. I didn't have this problem last time. He called my Dr. F's office and the midwife he talked to said I should just come in to be sure. They tested my blood pressure (normal) and did a quick scan (all was ok) and took bloods to check iron and blood sugar levels. Dr. F said it could be normal for me, or it could be as a result of the antibiotics I'd recently started, or it could be completely unrelated to my pregnancy. Blood results came back normal and over the course of that day it mostly went away so who knows? Just some freak dizzy spell. I guess if it comes back I'll get to my GP but honestly I don't care about being dizzy as long as it doesn't stuff up this pregnancy.

Next appointment with Dr. F is next Tuesday. I'm going weekly now because I just get too anxious if I leave it longer than that. For a moment I actually thought maybe my dizzy spell was some strange psychosomatic symptom of my anxiety since it started to go away soon after I had the scan and we saw that the foetus was ok. But, after getting my uni results back for last semester, I'm pretty sure I don't have the brain-power to self-induce dizziness.

16 Weeks - No Sex, No Gloom, Potential Move

2011-07-07T12:23:00.000+10:00

The big event this week - we've officially made the decision that we'll be going sex-free at least until 30 weeks. Yay us. Not that my sex drive has returned, but it just seems strange to be a couple that doesn't have sex. It's already been 4 months, I guess the other 5 or so won't kill us. The chances of sex causing any harm are miniscule, we realise, but there is that tiny chance of introducing an infection of some sort. For T, it feels like it's the only thing he can do to try to help things along - the only thing he can control. As powerless as we girls feel, we should remember that our men have it even worse than we do. So, we've made it official.

I feel this week I should note that even though my blog is so often doom & gloom, I'm not always so. This is for my own record, so if I should ever go back through and read all this drivel I won't forget the good/normal stuff, and so all of you don't think I'm a miserable person 24/7 lol! Not that anything exciting is happening, but I'm not ALWAYS in tears. We go out and do things. I pulled weeds today and played with my ferret. I've been doing some artsy/craftsy stuff and occasionally I cook dinner. Now that I'm not studying I'm doing lots of reading for fun and playing computer games and of course wasting large amounts of time on FB and Twitter and other various interwebz ventures. There are moments of my day where I function like a mostly normal person despite the sad and dreary nature my blog has taken. I just wanted to remind myself and everyone else of that.

I'm contemplating making the move from Blogger to somewhere else. Mainly because I get so many wonderful comments and Blogger just doesn't allow for any sort of easy reply to them. I've either gotta just do a general post with lots of @ing or reply in posts or head to the commenter's space (if they have one) and post a reply to their comment on their most recent post - which likely has nothing to do with mine. Why doesn't Blogger have a reply to comment feature like Wordpress? I only used Blogger because I didn't know any better to begin with and really only though this would be my own little private diary. I never imagined I'd have so many wonderful people keeping tabs on me. So...what to do? I'll have a play with WordPress & Tumblr and see. Any other good bloggy places I should check out?

I'm also getting a little bit bored of the same ol' questions each week, particularly since I never have anything interesting to say. Any suggestions for more fun & interesting questions to add to my weekly meme?

How Far Along: 16 weeks

Weight Gain: 0.5 kg - but I'm hoping this morning's weigh-in was a result of yesterday's over-indulgence and not a true number. If it is though, I'm now just half a kg above my pre-IVF weight, which is a good thing. I didn't actually put on any weight with Mallory - it just sorta shifted around. I'm hoping the same will be true at least until 25 weeks again this time.

Maternity Clothes: Finally washed and hung up and ready. I wore a maternity hoodie yesterday but that was just because I was cold and it was clean. Still rocking the elastic waisted yoga & track pants mostly.

Symptoms: None. Well, maybe crazy hormonal bitch is a symptom...

Movement: Still no. Or, maybe. Argh! How the fuck can I not know if there is a tiny developing human kicking me from the inside? I think maybe I've felt it a few times more than the few times I thought I felt it last week. Still not confident though. Hopefully this week.

Sleep: Same - shitty but my norm. I slept quite well for the few nights T was away but that's because he's wiggly and noisy and blanket-steal-y.

Best Moment of the Week: Still nothing pregnancy related. T came home last night after three days in Melbourne. That was a pretty good moment.

What I Miss: Mallory. :( (Ok, not what the question intended, but really.)

What I'm Looking Forward to: Definite movements - painful, sleep-depriving kicks.

Upcoming Appointments: 12 July - next time with Dr. F, 23 July - Morphology scan

Just a bit of woe-is-me stuff

2011-07-04T18:38:00.000+10:00

T has gone to Melbourne for a few days for work, so I'm here all alone and bored. I know, it's pathetic. It's times like this where I really see just how much of an anti-person this whole infertility/grief thing has made me. I used to be a happily independent sort of person with hobbies and interests of my own. Now, nothing. It's only about an hour after he's usually home from work for the evening but I'm bored and missing him. How in the world will I fill the next 4 or 5 hours before I go to bed? Pathetic.

So I thought I'd come and post another sad, soppy post to keep myself busy for the next 10 minutes or so.

Last night we were invited to a 'gig' for our friends' 12 year old son. He attends drum lessons in a music school in which the students are organised into 'bands'. Last night was his first performance so we were pleased to go along and show our support. We went expecting to hear some good songs butchered by beginner musicians, and we got that. But we also got the unexpected bonus of a teary, sad me.

The first band up had a little girl of 7 or 8 as the singer and as soon as she started singing I started fighting to hold back tears. She wasn't any good, or overly cute. Nothing in particular about her made me sad. It was just the realisation that here was one more thing I'd never get to do with Mallory. I would never be the proud mum in the crowd with the camera, oozing with pride and thinking my little girl was the best of them all. I was in a room overflowing with excited kids and proud parents and all I wanted to do was get out. I couldn't though, we were packed in and surrounded by occupied chairs so I just sat there and struggled to keep the tears under control. We managed to make it through to the second set, when our friends' son was playing and cheered him on appropriately and congratulated before heading home for the night. When we got to the car I stopped trying to hold it in. Poor T tried to comfort me by saying we would get there, we would be those parents some day. Yes, that may be so, but not with Mallory. Never with Mallory, and that's what I really want.

I had a terrible (yet wonderful) little fantasy today about this pregnancy. I imagined we get to a respectable 35ish weeks, I go into our local private hospital for delivery as planned, have a quick labour, and when the baby is born it turns out it's not a new baby after all, but it's Mallory! She didn't actually die, she just went back for a second chance and here she is, alive and healthy and well after a successful pregnancy!

I think it was sparked by a thought I had the other day. I thought that if this pregnancy were to end, I would likely not really grieve the loss of this little foetus much but would fall back into my grief for Mallory. She is the baby I want. This pregnancy has taken the edge off my grief for her, but at least for now this pregnancy is just a pregnancy - not a baby. Mallory is my baby and I want her back.

I suppose that might seem dreadfully unfair for the potential person I'm carrying around now. But really, if this one survives my body and makes it to the real world he or she will have plenty of time to be loved and wanted, whereas Mallory will never get more time. I don't feel guilty about this one feeling like a band-aid for now, as I know if we can get that far we will love the new little person for him/herself.

But today, I miss Mallory so much that I would give quite a lot to be able to have this pregnancy be her second chance. I would be thrilled if the end result was the little girl who arrived much to early eight and a bit months ago, only bigger and stronger and a whole hell of a lot longer-lived.

Another old school friend on facebook had a baby yesterday. Her fourth. I am very happy for her, but I fear I may have to put her on ignore for a short while until the photo-frenzy settles a bit. I love that the internet allows me to keep in touch with old friends, but being an infertile with lots of LDS friends can be difficult. These girls are damn-good at making babies.

I often wonder how difficult it must be for LDS families that struggle with infertility. They struggle with all the issues non-LDS infertiles deal with but they've got the added strain of the religious obligation to reproduce and the cultural/community norm of people popping out babies like rabbits do. Just one more tiny reason I think the world would be better off without organised religion or better yet - theism of any kind. But, that's a rant for another day.

15 Weeks (+1 day)

2011-07-01T17:58:00.000+10:00

Fuck! Why in the world are progesterone pessaries so expensive? I was so pleased with myself today because I took in receipts to Medicare and got $500 back but then I went to the chemist to get all the new drugs I'm starting and I spent $320! $230 of that was just for 40 little progesterone pessaries - or, just 20 days worth. Fuck again! The chemist said that my health fund should cover some of that so I'll check with them next week. Otherwise we're going to be in the poor-house before we know it. We're going to need that baby bonus just to recover from the progesterone supplementation.

It seems every time I write it's to say that I've had a big crying fit. Well this week is no exception. This week my freak-out was mostly a delayed response to my NT results -which are nowhere near as good as the ultrasound tech made them out to be and also just due to frustration over having to beg Dr. F to add any medication to my drug regime.

The meds...originally he said we'd start antibiotics at 12 weeks doing them for five days each month. We didn't start them at 12 weeks so I was pretty keen to get started after the last appointment. This time he said he'd like to wait until after 18 weeks or so, since none of my problems happened until after 18 weeks last time. Does that make any sense? Just because last time my problems were after that point, what's to say (if we have any problems this time) that they'll not start until after then? I also asked if I might take something for my anxiety and he shrugged off my worries saying 'everyone I see feels like you do' and 'it's natural you should be scared after what you've been through.' No fucking shit, Sherlock. I know it's natural, but it doesn't mean I want to feel this way. He wanted me to try counselling first until I burst into tears and just asked if he could give me a script for something just in case and if I could just start the antibiotics now instead of later, as he originally said we'd do. And he gave in. They always give in to tears. I've got a script for zoloft but don't know anything about it as he wasn't keen to discuss it with me. So now I'm feeling like I shouldn't take anything and should just suck it up. I hate Dr. F right now. F for Fuckhead.

The script also has the progesterone on it so I guess we're starting it all at the same time, although we didn't really discuss this either. I also forgot to ask him about getting a flu shot because I was so flustered by everything. I've don't normally bother - I don't often get sick and the few times I had the flu shot I actually remember being sick those winters, so it's never seemed worth the extra jab. But now that I'm living for two I wonder if I should get it. Hopefully I'll get the question in next time I see him.

The NT results - when the scan tech said that I was around 1 in 500 for trisomy 21 and that anything over 250 was good I was ok with that, until I started seeing the scores other people in a support forum I'm in were getting. Firstly, all but one of them is older than my be at least a year or two - so I would expect my results to be lower, but then I looked up the age-factor and turns out for my age the risk should be around 1:900 so my results don't look all that good. I was hoping she was just wrong - didn't have the blood results or whatever to do all the calculations but the first thing Dr. F did when we got in was to show me the form with all the results type out and there it was - 1:570. Now, mathematically, I guess a 0.2% chance doesn't sound too bad, but I can't get it out of my mind that it's a fair bit higher than it should be. The risk of miscarriage from an amnio is still higher than the risk of us having a child with trisomy 21 but still it scares me. I had a big break-down when we got home and poor T couldn't convince me that 1 in 570 was a good result. This is terrible and ugly and selfish of me but I just don't want a child I have to take care of forever. I have a great aunt who has some sort of chromosomal abnormality and has had to be looked after for all her life. I just don't know if I could do it. So, big cry and I slept the remainder of the day away and felt a tiny bit better when I woke, but I'm still pretty freaked out about it.

And, that's about it for now. Still pretty quiet and boring.

How Far Along: 15 weeks (and 1 day)

Weight Gain: 0kg (so still two above pre-IVF weight and 1 down from the start of this pregnancy)

Maternity Clothes: Nope. Another week mostly in trackies (again - what a dag!) I did get some clothes that I ordered online which includes a nice fleecy, daggy maternity jacket thing for bumming around in and a few tops.

Symptoms: Nothing much, except I'm having trouble with portion control. I need to eat meals that are half the size of the ones I normally eat - or smaller (because my normal portions are way too big even for a non-pregnant gal), but I continue to over-eat and make myself sick and miserable. That sounds ridiculous when I write it out. I should be able to control myself and eat less but it's a struggle. I know it's only going to get worse as things go along and my uterus squishes everything else into the far-regions of my abdomen.

Movement: Still no. There was one time a few days ago where I thought maybe I felt a nice little kick but it felt a bit stronger than I'd expect movement to be at this stage so I'm guessing it was a freak muscle twitch. It's difficult because my guts are so grumbly these days (probably because I'm over stuffing them at every sitting!). Hopefully soon.

Sleep: Had my first night of hip-pain already and have started to sleep in a fortress of pillows. One between my knees, one wedged under my belly and one on the other side to wedge under my belly when I roll over. I just don't like that feeling of my belly sort-of sagging toward the bed when I'm on my side. But, sleep is still shitty. I spend a lot of time at night trying to feel movements while I listen to the flying foxes screeching and flapping and chattering away in the trees out back (and shitting all over the fence and back yard - gross!)

Best Moment of the Week: Once again nothing pregnancy-related stands out. I'm too fucking scared all the time. Non-pregnancy related T and I went out last weekend and that was nice.

What I Miss: Being able to eat raw veggies without being scared they're not clean enough. It's really not a big deal since it's winter and it's much nicer to eat them baked or in a soup or something anyway, but I wanted to put down something down here and that's the best I could come up with.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Baby.

Upcoming Appointments: 12 July - next time with Dr. F, 23 July - Morphology scan

14 Weeks

2011-06-23T11:17:00.000+10:00

We had a phone call with my parents last week and my mother asked me how I would spend my days once I was finished with uni this semester. T's answer was that I would spend it gestating. We all had a laugh but as far as he's concerned the best thing for me to do now would be to go onto bed-rest until December. So now here I am, finished with uni and ready to focus full-time on gestating. I don't think I'm quite ready for bed-rest, but I do intend to take it very easy from here on out.

This was a fairly boring week, pregnancy-wise.

How Far Along: 14 weeks

Weight Gain: 0kg (so still two above pre-IVF weight and 1 down from the start of this pregnancy)

Maternity Clothes: Nope. Another week mostly in trackies.

Symptoms: This week was pretty much symptom free.

Movement: When I can't sleep I spend a lot of time laying still and focusing on my mid-section in an attempt to pick up movements but so far nada. Anterior placenta again so I guess it might be a while still.

Sleep: Sleep isn't great still, but I'm a lot less concerned about it now that I've got no responsibilities other than gestating. I can sleep in or nap or sleep all day or whatever.

Best Moment of the Week: I wish I could say the NT scan was the best moment but I think it would actually be sometime after the scan - Saturday night or Sunday morning when the reality that we were still doing ok and done with the first trimester finally started to sink in.

What I Miss: Nothing really this week

What I'm Looking Forward to: I've had enough of this not feeling pregnant stage. Bring on the belly and movements and sore back and all the rest. I know it's common to hate maternity clothes but I'm ready to embrace them. I didn't get to wear them last time.

Upcoming Appointments: Next OB appointment this coming Tuesday.

I feel I should defend myself for using the above pregnancy meme that apparently annoys the shit out of some people (see this post by Elphaba at Yolk and this post by Mo at Mommy Odyssey). I never found it annoying before I was pregnant, and I think it's a good way to keep track of things that I wish I'd kept track of last time, so I'm keeping it. This blog is for me, after all. I absolutely love the bloggy community I've found and enjoy getting comments and communicating with others, but this is my space, to write what I like. I don't feel particularly smug about using it, or anything else I do as a pregnant gal. But then, before I fell pregnant just the act of existing seemed like smugness coming from a pregnant person. Actually, even though I am knocked up I STILL perceive those happy big-bellied mammas to be radiating smugness. T keeps telling me I need to get over hating every person that looks more pregnant than me. So I can accept that this meme (along with anything else I say or do) may well be interpreted as smugness by some, but I'm going to continue to use it.

Survived the Scan (and big thanks!)

2011-06-19T09:00:00.000+10:00

Our NT scan was yesterday and I must confess it was pretty horrible for me. But, not because we got bad results - just because I'm such a mess. I didn't eat for the 24 hours before it because I was so anxious and I was crying during the scan because the technician kept saying it was a perfect baby. I couldn't help thinking that last time we had a perfect baby too but we still didn't get to bring her home so I was a wreck.

It also took three goes to get all the measurements because this one was just not getting into a measurable position. So there was a break for some shoe shopping and a break for a massive extra drink of water between tries (and of course a massive pee after!).

After some food and a sleep I recovered my sanity somewhat and was able to appreciate (somewhat) the fact that we got low risk results (we won't get the official numbers until we see Dr. F next week) and I do actually have a growing foetus inside still. Here's the best image of the lot:

I wanted to post a special thank you for comments on my last post. I spend so much time feeling guilty about being so upset and anxious about this pregnancy and it's so reassuring to see that there are other sane, rational girls out there (two of whom I know in person!) who ~~whom?~~ ~~who? ack, which one is it?!?~~ have been (or are) in similar situations. I will definitely speak with my doctor about medication for this anxiety. When I mentioned it to T he just laughed it off and said I didn't need it, but after yesterday he agrees that perhaps I might need a bit of assistance in getting through the next (hopefully!) six months.

So now I've got to do some serious studying, exams in two days and I am nowhere near prepared. Come Wednesday evening I'll be a free woman and then I'll have all day to sit around and fret over this pregnancy! I think I'll need to pick up a hobby pronto!

13 Weeks & 8 Years

2011-06-16T10:42:00.000+10:00

Thursday marked our eighth wedding anniversary. Sadly, it was a pretty mundane day of work & uni for us, and we're not feeling over celebratory because I'm such an emotional mess. Hopefully this weekend or next we'll go out to celebrate. How can it be that eight years of marriage has gone by so quickly when it feels like the last four years of TTC have gone by so terribly slowly? I must have fallen into some strange time-space continuum (that's what they call it on Star-Trek, right?) I love my husband dearly but I just don't have it in me right now to write some beautiful happy post.

I'm half-heartedly trying to study for my exams but mostly just pacing around the house being scared that something has gone wrong. I'm actually making myself sick with worry I think. I'm starting to think I'd benefit from some sort of anti-anxiety medication for the duration of this pregnancy.

I freaked out last night and didn't speak to T for pretty much any of it. I got angry at him when he came home and was smothering me in kisses. Wow, what a horrible person I am, hey? He was happy to see me, and he was in a good mood and cuddly. I was none of those things. I'd spent most of the day in tears (for no good reason, just worry). I've been trying to tell him over the past few weeks, as gently as possible, that I'm just not feeling cuddly and actually feeling quite claustrophobic when he's all over me. He says he gets it, but every day he keeps at it and then when I reject him he turns away all sad and hurt and it makes me feel like absolute shit - like the worst person in the world for not being interested. I don't know what to do about it, but it's only been this way since I've been pregnant. I'm assuming it's hormonal. Why can't he just get that and stop making me feel like a shit-ass monster of a wife every day? I already feel bad about it without him sulking after I don't feel like making out in the hallway. So I spent the night angry at him for adding to my feeling of shittyness and went to bed early.

He's working from home today, so when we woke up I tried again to explain and apologise. He says he gets it but I don't know, it feels like he doesn't believe me, that he thinks it's me and not my hormones that don't want anything to do with him physically.

Fuck. Seriously, I hate everything about this pregnancy (except, of course, that it may potentially lead to a child).

How Far Along: 13 weeks

Weight Gain: 0kg (so still two above pre-IVF weight and 1 down from the start of this pregnancy)

Maternity Clothes: Nope, but I've spent the week in track pants and yoga pants.

Symptoms: Emotional wreck, terrified that something has gone wrong, disbelieve that I'm still actually pregnant. Also getting angry at poor T for no good reason and total aversion to physical contact of any manner. Occasional headaches and nausea still. I vomited Tuesday night. First vomit of the pregnancy. Constipation which then results in the total opposite of constipation when I over-correct my diet. How much dried fruit and pear juice should I be consuming to keep things steady? I can't seem to work it out.

Movement: Please let me start feeling movement at 14 weeks!

Sleep: Same as before - not sleeping all that well but I can nap in the day if I feel the need, so that helps prevent the total zombification of me during my waking hours.

Best Moment of the Week: Nothing noteworthy pregnancy-wise. I'd do better to have a 'worst moment of the week' (and of course it would be getting furious at T for trying to be affectionate).

What I Miss: Ham & cheese sandwiches for lunch.

What I'm Looking Forward to: 49 hours from now - Saturday at 11am NT scan

Upcoming Appointments: 18 June - NT scan (13w2d)

12 weeks

2011-06-09T12:48:00.000+10:00

Today we hit 12 weeks. Traditionally this is when people stop (or at least cut back on) worrying and start spreading the good news. Meh. I hate those people. And, because this is a sick, sad world, I feel sorry for those people. I think to myself "oh, you poor dears, so naive and happy...just wait until it all comes crashing down around you." and other similarly ugly thoughts. I suppose I imagine myself as some wise old crone with a lifetime of experience in pregnancy and pregnancy related disappointment. It's ridiculous of course. Still though, I'm not feeling any more comfortable about this pregnancy than I was eight weeks ago when we found out I was pregnant.

It doesn't help that I'm still more than a week away from my NT scan. The longer I have to wait for it the more I'm convinced we'll find out something is wrong. Also, the more I think about it the less I think I'll be wanting to try for another baby if this one comes out all right. When we lost Mallory I started thinking I wanted to have more than just one child at home, that I wanted a whole swarm of them. I'm not sure why losing her sparked those thoughts, but I've held onto them (much to T's dismay) all through the last seven seven months without her. But the crazy anxiety I'm feeling over this pregnancy is causing me to reconsider. If this one gets us our take-home baby I'm starting to think we should just leave well-enough alone. I am not a happy glowing pregnant lady. I'm mostly just a terrified and jaded pregnant lady, which is nowhere near as fun.

T is also scared, but more so about how I would (or wouldn't) handle another loss. He's not actually acknowledging this pregnancy at all. I mean, he's worried about how I feel and he comes to every appointment but he won't discuss it at home, there's no patting my belly like last time and he changes the subject if I talk about what might be come Xmas time. I'm not sure if this pleases me or shits me, a little bit of both I guess. But, it's his way of coping with the stress so whatever works for him.

We had a family gathering this weekend - 18th birthday for on of T's young cousins (second cousins? Whatever you call the child of a cousin). It was nice to see them all, but I felt a bit strange as we hadn't actually seen or spoken to most of them since before I fell pregnant with Mallory. T and I have had this big traumatic event in our lives and to go there and do the old 'so, what have you been up to?' ' not much, what about you?' routine just felt so fake and horrible. It was as if none of it had ever happened and I was (unjustly) begrudging them all for that. And then poor sis-in-law annoyed me just by looking at my belly. She's the only one I notice do this, but she does it every time I see her. It shouldn't annoy me. She is one of the few who know, and she's been nothing but supportive and lovely through everything and only wants the best for us. She doesn't ask a lot of questions so as not to pry, but for some reason it shits me every time she looks at my belly.

Writing this all out makes me see what a bitch I've been, at least on the inside!

In trying to be a little bit positive about things, I stole this little list from H over at The Road Less Traveled:

How Far Along: 12 weeks

Weight Gain: -1kg (but remember I started out +3 so I'm still 2kg heavier than my pre-IVF weight)

Maternity Clothes: I actually did break out a maternity shirt I bought last time for a family gathering this past weekend. It doesn't look maternity-ish, but it's nice and billowy and hid my fat gut which I can no longer suck in. I'm not ready for full-on maternity clothes and don't look pregnant but definitely feel fatter in the mid-section.

Symptoms: Nausea mostly gone, except when I eat too much. Still in bagel-mode. Trying to eat some veggies most nights and a bit of fruit during the day but otherwise it's all about the bagels. Quite a lot of headaches recently too. Feeling a few stretchy sort of pains in my reproductive organ area too.

Movement: This morning for a moment I imagined I felt something, but it's way too early so it must have been muscle twitches or digestion I guess. How long before I can hope to feel something? Last time it was 18w1d and that was with anterior placenta.

Sleep: Sucks. I wake up twice to pee and usually take a good hour or so each time to go back to sleep.

Best Moment of the Week: Nothing noteworthy.

What I Miss: My interest in food other than bagels. I should say my sex drive too, although it's T who misses it more than me.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Making it to 30 weeks so I can relax a bit.

Upcoming Appointments: 18 June - NT scan (13w2d)

I'm slowly catching up on reading about what's going on in my bloggy friends' lives. I am so pleased to see that there have been a few more pregnancies recently! I've got lots more reading to do but will slowly make my way back into being a good blogger now that I'm nearing the end of this semester. For now, time to go out for a walk. I need some sunshine and exercise.

10w2d - Of babies and bagels procrastination

2011-05-28T17:30:00.001+10:00

I'm still in the mad-dash to finish the semester and therefore mostly absent from the bloggy world but my brain isn't functioning well enough to do the critical reviews I'm meant to be doing for a class that I hate so here I am blogging instead. This is a long and rambling post mainly for my own benefit and any unsuspecting readers might do well just to skip it. If I were using livejournal I would mark this post as 'private', not because it has any deep, dark secrets but that it's mostly just a mental-vomit sort of a post. I'm pretty sure blogger doesn't have that feature though. You've been warned.

We're at 10 weeks, 2 days and so far nothing much to report, which is great news. I have been fairly constantly nauseas for the last few weeks - not enough to vomit, just enough to be uncomfortable. I am quite pleased with this as at least it feels like something is happening. I had no notable symptoms with Mallory or with my first miscarriage. I did have a 2-day stint with no sickness earlier this week which had me convinced that I'd had a missed miscarriage but happily it's back with a vengeance today so maybe things are still going well. I would be happy to continue with this nausea until I start feeling movement. No silly in-between phase, TYVM.

Our normal Saturday morning grocery shopping was interesting today as a quick stroll through the meat section made me sicker than I've been before and had me rushing us out of the shops. I don't think we'll be eating much in the way of animal flesh this week. And actually, for the last three days the only food item that sounds even a little bit appealing is bagels with cream cheese. So far I've had 5 bagels in three days. The only reason I didn't have more than that was that I ran out and couldn't be bothered to get back to the shops. Not exactly a healthy diet but even now that's the only food product in the whole world I can think of that doesn't make me want to spew. I've also gone off water. I didn't know such a feat was possible, and I've almost always chosen water over soft drink or juice or anything else. I'm a good water drinker. Now I'm watering down fruit juice (%50 water/juice) in an attempt to make sure I drink enough water and not too much extra sugar in juice form. So today it's been all about watery apple/pear juice and bagels. Yesterday it was watery lemonade (American-style lemonade, not fizzy stuff) and bagels. Pregnancy is so weird.

Also, T asked me 'when did you start to show last time?' when we were out in the shops today. A nice way of saying 'gee, wife, your gut is sticking out more than usual'. Considering the generous portion of fat I keep around my middle I don't expect to look pregnant any time soon but stuff is starting to make the shift and I'm finding it hard to be comfortable in non-elastic waisted clothing for very long. Good thing I don't go out all that often and don't do anything that requires me to dress nicely. I can spend most of my days in uggs and trackpants for now.

As is probably to be expected I've got babies on the brain and am finding it hard to concentrate on anything at all. I'm still in that mode of trying to deny my baby-thoughts as I feel it's so unlikely that this pregnancy will actually result in a living, take-home baby but not being very successful with it. I'm spending much more time than I should be trolling baby/parenting/pregnancy forums and daydreaming of a time when I might feel secure enough to consider making baby purchases. It will certainly be after the 26 week mark. I feel like the logical thing to do is actually to avoid buying anything at all until we actually have a baby and the hospital tells us we can take him/her home.

I had two dreams last night in which I had a baby. Both times the baby started out as this current pregnancy but morphed into Mallory before the dream was finished. In both I just couldn't believe it had actually happened and in one I was convinced the baby was actually a doll that someone was trying to fool me with until she started crying. Both times the baby was also a tiny Mallory-sized bub, not a full-term baby. I guess that's not very exceptional either as that's the only experience I've had. Still scary and heartbreaking though.

I've been rather emotional the last few days as well. Lots of crying over Mallory and being scared for this pregnancy. It scares me that I feel so dependent on this pregnancy going well to help heal the scars left by Mallory's death. My feelings about her and about this pregnancy are tangled together in a big mess. When things feel like they're going well with my pregnancy the pain over Mallory seems easier to handle. When things are scary (when I let my imagination scare me into thinking something is wrong) I'm horribly weepy about Mallory and can't get her out of my mind. I think I relate all loss to the loss of her. I suspect that if this pregnancy fails I'll be in need of some serious counselling.

I saw a bloggy friend's 28 week ultrasound photos the other day (he's just beautiful BTW, tasivfer) and was shocked at how difficult they were to look at. There was this beautiful healthy bub tucked safely away where he belongs at three weeks further than Mallory ever got to be. He doesn't look ready to make an appearance in the world yet (although the stats say he's got greater than a 90% chance of surviving to be a perfectly healthy person if he's born right now) but he's three weeks more developed than our tiny one was when she had to try and survive out here. My poor little tiny girl.

It's my birthday this weekend. We're mostly ignoring it because I don't have the time or inclination to celebrate. Hopefully I'll be finishing up one assignment and moving on to the next (this coming week is the last of the semester with two large assignments due and two tests) and getting the laundry done. We don't do gifts for one another because we pretty much buy what we want when we want it, but my parents sent a parcel with a few gifts in it so don't worry, my birthday won't be completely without acknowledgement. It's also our weekend to take out the MIL for lunch so we'll do that and maybe I can find something other than bagels that sounds edible. What I'd really like for my birthday is a guarantee that this proto-person developing inside me will turn into a healthy, happy baby that we can take home in another 6 and a bit months.

And on that note, I really should get my lazy ass back to working on this paper. I am pretty sure it's not going to critically review its self.

8w5d

2011-05-17T09:33:00.000+10:00

Just a quick update for my records.

Saw Dr F for the first time for this pregnancy. He's in a spiffy new office now which is nice and big, but now that he's got a bigger waiting room it seems they squeeze even MORE people into his busy day making us all wait even longer to see him. I was booked for 1:00 and finally got to see the midwife at 2:00 and eventually saw him at just before 3:00. Then I had to get some bloods done (11 vials - wow!) which took another 40 minutes so three hours at the doctor's office yesterday - yay.

But, we have a plan which is good (although it's going to be costly!). Dr. F wants to see me every fortnight starting now, rather than just the monthly checks those 'normal' ladies get. This means I've got a lot of waiting around in that waiting room to come, but that's ok. After this semester finishes I'll have heaps of time. Also, that means we'll get to check how things are progressing in my uterus ever fortnight as he does a scan at each appointment.

At the 12 week scan he's requested a cervical length scan and will have that repeated fortnightly for the duration. I'll also start on antibiotics one week of each month starting at 10 or 12 weeks and having fortnightly vaginal swabs to check for any signs of infection. I will be on metformin for the whole thing and clexane, and might even have to double the volume of clexane I take which will suck because that one is painful enough already. Of course I'm also on the high dose of folate and taking my Blackmore's still. He's also going to put me back on progesterone at some point, which I don't understand as I thought eventually the placenta took over whatever it is progesterone is doing. I'll ask him more about this next time. All this is because we have no idea why things went horribly wrong with Mallory so trying to cover all bases to avoid it happening again.

I had to laugh at myself while I was in the waiting room yesterday because I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and hating on them all. 'Damn you fucking pregnant people sauntering around with your big bellies!' Of course they weren't sauntering at all, more like waddling, and the more obvious issues it that I too am one of those fucking pregnant people. But, I don't feel like it. I still feel like the sad infertile outsider. And when I am able to accept that I truly am pregnant, it doesn't matter because pregnancy is nothing new. It's a struggle but we have gotten me pregnant twice before. It's the baby that's the issue. The two ladies that were there for their post-birth checkup with their teensy newborns made me want to cry because I've been robbed of that before and it's all too easy to imagine it happening again.

So, for now things are looking fine. Scan yesterday showed good heartbeat (I didn't ask for the rate) and good growth. Dr. F measured us at 8w6d (2.01cm) and pushed the due date up From the 24th to 20 Dec. I'll take that. Let's get this whole thing going and over with as soon as is (safely) possible.

Heartbeat!

2011-05-11T14:41:00.000+10:00

We have one!

143 BPM
13mm so 7.5ish weeks
24 Dec EDD

Wow. That's not to say that I'm not still a terrified mess. As soon as we saw the heartbeat, rather than revelling in it (as T did - there were tears from him. How I love that man!), I started to calculate when I'd be able to have the 12 week NT testing (if we make it that far).

I'm at a bit of a loss for now with my blog. I've not been here much the last few weeks (well, except for my Mother's Day breakdowns {and thanks to you all for such wonderful supportive comments}) because this is my grief/infertility place and it feels strange to write about a pregnancy here. Is that crazy? Of course i am still grieving and I am still infertile and I am not under any delusions that this pregnancy - even if it should last - will fix those things. I'm not ~~naive~~ optimistic enough to farewell this one and start up a special pregnancy blog though. I don't know what I'll do with myself.

For the next few weeks anyway I'll mostly just be focusing on trying to survive the end of the semester with all its assignments and exams. And of course hoping like hell that this little 13mm long shot sticks around. I know I've been terrible about commenting lately as well but look forward to getting through uni and back into reading all about what's been happening in everyone else's worlds, so don't give up on me quite yet. Hopefully I'll be back to faithfully stalking everyone again before you know it.

Mother's Day, Take Two

2011-05-08T13:30:00.000+10:00

Surprisingly, what hurts the most about today is not that my baby girl is dead or that I am still without a take-home baby. That stuff is constant and hurts every single day, so this day is nothing special in that regard. What hurts the most today is feeling completely forgotten and alone. Not forgotten by all the wonderful girlfriends I've met online - you know this pain as well as I do and I have no doubt we'd all take it away from one another if we could. Rather the people in my 'real' world - my close friends and family that should maybe have a tiny little thought for me today. That's what hurts the most, that in the mind of pretty much everyone in my physical world I am not a mother. My little girl is forgotten, my brief stint at motherhood is forgotten, and so I spend this day sad and alone and angry at all my 'loved' ones for forgetting.

I am a mother. I went through labour, I worried about my child, I held her in my arms as she died and I miss her and mourn her every single day. All the love that a mother has for a child I have. The only difference between me and any other mother is that I've got no outlet for that love because my child is dead.

I wasn't expecting flowers or cards, but it just would have been nice if someone had acknowledged me today.

Mother's Day

2011-05-07T17:24:00.000+10:00

Mother's Day 2008: This was an exciting holday for me. I was 9 weeks pregnant for the first time. We'd only decided in January of that year that we'd try for a child and got our positive test in March. It never crossed my mind that something might go wrong so we promptly went about telling everyone our good news. Family members in the U.S. sent me Mother's Day cards in congratulations. The following week I miscarried.

Mother's Day 2009: A year after my miscarriage and I still wasn't pregnant again. We were just starting to suspect that something might be wrong. 2009 was supposed to be my first 'real' Mother's Day as my estimated due date for that first pregnancy was December 15th 2008. I was shattered. Not only was I missing the bub I should have had but we couldn't seem to get me pregnant again.

Mother's Day 2010: This one was such a struggle. I barely held it together and T had to explain to the family why I was so down on this day. A year of treatment with a fertility specialist and still nothing. Two years had gone by and still no baby. Amazingly, a few weeks after this one we found out that the last Clomid cycle had actually worked and I was finally pregnant again!

Mother's Day 2011: My beautiful tiny little girl is not here with me on this day as she should be. She should be 5 months old and the light of my life. Instead she's a heart-breaking memory. Once again we should be celebrating my first 'real' Mother's Day. Instead, I'll be spending the day hiding away from all the happy mothers out there and missing the baby I love so much but never actually got the chance to mother.

Our past is such that I can't even take consolation in the fact that I am technically pregnant now (5 more days until the scan). Pregnancy does not equate to a child in my book. Publicly recognised motherhood doesn't even start when a child is born, if she dies quickly enough afterward. So fuck you Mother's Day. You're just another painful reminder of what isn't.

More Waiting

2011-04-28T16:47:00.000+10:00

We saw the FS today and were ushered straight into the scan room when we arrived - which was great as I wasn't sure he'd do a scan for us so early. Apparently there was some concern that maybe this was an ectopic pregnancy the way my levels were acting up so they wanted to rule that out. Too early for a heartbeat but we do have a sac(k?) and a yolk sac and they measure spot on for 6 weeks. Because it was just the crappy IVF ultrasound machine and not the big proper one the images aren't as good and couldn't really be sure there was a foetal pole in there, although he said there was something (little white smudge between edge of sac and yolk sac) that could be the foetal pole and doing a rough measurement it came up the right size (2mmish) for a foetus at 6 weeks so who knows? Now we've got to wait until 2 weeks from now to get another scan to see if we have growth and a heart beat.

I was a little bit distressed that he didn't want to give me any sort of progesterone support considering how things have been going. His theory is that if the levels are dropping it's because there is something wrong with the embryo and better just to let it happen in its own time. He said that he doesn't like to give progesterone support because if my body notices the surplus of it it may stop producing it so my levels could fluctuate more or soemthing. He said he'd give it to me if I still wanted it but now I'm worried about having it and stuffing things up - sigh. So for the time being we're not having any progesterone support, and it scares the crap out of me. But, he's the expert, right? I mean he must know what he's talking about.

Did I mention I don't like this guy? This time he was very obviously trying to rush us so he could get on to whatever his next appointment was. He kept looking at his watch and giving other rather obvious signs that we needed to hurry. We did still ask him questions but I just dislike him. We paid $180 (I think we'll get most of that back through medicare though) to see him and it's just fucking rude to be signalling us to wrap it up. The whole thing couldn't have been more than 20 minutes including the scan anyway.

Other good news - the fragile X (which I still don't know much about) came back negative so that's one less thing to worry about. Actually I wasn't overly worried about that one as I would have expected to see evidence of it in my family of breeders (damn them all!) and I haven't.

We asked him about DHEA (still not convinced this one will stick - although I'm hoping!) and it seemed he knew less about it than me so I just gave up. If we end up going that route I think we'll have to go get a second opinion.

So, now we wait. I feel quite panicy about not having any more appointments with the lovely nurses at my clinic, and the idea of going back to my normal FS outside the clinic after this next appointment scares the crap out of me. If nothing else our IVF experience has one thing going for it - we seem to have the nicest lot of nurses and reception staff ever, and everyone (even jerky FS) is very accommodating. I never have to wait to see/talk to someone. They work around our schedule - so much so that the head nurse once stayed after hours to hand over some drugs for me and another gave me her mobile number so I could ring her over the weekend if I had issues with mixing my first cetrotide injection when we first started.

My normal FS's staff are great, but he's a busy man and his clinic is always overflowing with pregnant bellies and new babies. Seeing him is stressful, and going to my IVF clinic is so peaceful. Empty waiting rooms, brand-new magazines, no wait time... wow, snap out of it! We're certainly not far enough along in this pregnancy for me to be feeling nostalgic about my IVF clinic!

So, at least for now I have to admit that I am pregnant. The next two weeks are going to be torture as we wait for the next scan with (assuming nothing scary happens) no other contact with the clinic. Luckily (or not so much really) I've got enough uni work to keep me overwhelmingly busy until then and beyond. And speaking of that, I've got a paper to write that is due in less than 24 hours so best be started.

Quick update

2011-04-26T15:16:00.000+10:00

More blood tested today.

HCG: 5000
P4: 25

So my P4 was down to 20 last week and has risen a bit and the HCG has been doubling just about right since the low number last week. I don't know what to think. We see the FS on Thursday and I will ask him about progesterone supplementing since they say I'm still on the low side and as I should be just at 6 weeks then I'll ask if he'll do a scan to see what's going on in there.

I haven't had any more bleeding since Tuesday last week, and as much as I hate to admit it I'm starting to feel a little bit hopeful. Do we really have a shot at having our Xmas baby? Or is the universe just waiting until I feel a tiny bit relaxed about this one so it can pull the rug out from under me as it always does?

Also - I haven't posted yet as I've been struggling under my uni work-load but last week we had the most amazingly generous offer. Someone near and dear to us offered herself up as an egg-donor! Of course we're really hoping that my eggs (ok, this one we've got on board preferably) will do the trick and even if we ended up going donor eggs the logistics of it would probably make it impossible but the offer amazed and really touched me. There are very few people I can think of that I could be comfortable with such a gift but she is one of them. Actually, it would be a really beautiful story - almost poetic justice of sorts if we were able to merge our families in that way. Her family and mine (well, the one I married into) are very close - close enough that everyone is cousins and sisters and moms and dads despite the lack of any shared blood. If we lived on the same continent I would jump at the offer but the ocean between us complicates things in a way that we would likely not be able to overcome (financially). Still, that was definitely the bright spot of my week - such an amazing heap of goodness when I was feeling very beaten down by everything else. How in the world do you adequately thank someone for the offer of a lifetime?